Steeling myself after getting everyone off to school, I shoved open the door and nearly threw up. The room looked and smelled like a crime scene. Pungent body odor; picture frames toppled like dominoes, a few scattered and broken on the floor; clothing strung and strewed; a limp body on the bed.

I hurried over to the window and yanked it open to let in some fresh air and hopefully push out some of the staleness. My stomach twisted when I caught sight of the bloody bedding crumpled in the corner. Turning my back to it, I faced the bed and the unmoving giant. He still wore the suit from the funeral. Shoes untied yet they remained on his feet. One arm slung over his face.

“How have you been able to stand wearing these all this time?” I pulled his shoes off and the new stench that action released sent me into a bout of gagging. I tossed them across the room before realizing the noise could wake the babies down the hall. Cringing, I perked an ear and held my breath. Thankfully, the house remained silent.

“Pa, you gotta get up.” My request was met with no response, so I shook his leg. Finally he moved a little. “Please, Pa. I really need you to get up. The babies are low on formula and diapers.”

No response.

No matter how much I pleaded with him, he remained unresponsive, and eventually I got good and mad. I marched to the bathroom and collected a glass of water. Returning, I emptied it over his greasy head. He barely blinked in acknowledgment. Didn’t even turn his head to dodge the water. I’d have rather he’d jumped up and got ahold of me for that.

As I swallowed my tears, another hard truth became clear.

Mama wasn’t there to protect us from Pa’s dark seasons anymore. A hard question followed that hard truth: Would I be able to step into her role and protect my siblings from them?

Whatever was going on with Pa went beyond normal grief, but I was too young to understand what exactly it was. With Mama’s shield no longer in place, I fully experienced the shadows that fell from Pa’s presence for the first time. It was a murky place, dim with very little understanding.

But Mama had never let him hide this long, so I knew I couldn’t walk away and allow him to continue rotting in this room.

With the time ticking down to the newborns’ next feeding, I began to panic. Fear crawled up my neck and tightened my shoulders as I treated my father in a way I’d never done before. My pa wasn’t a mean man, but I didn’t know the hollow man unmoving on the bed. There was no choice but to push and face whatever repercussions arose.