Wrapping my arms around my knees, I gave in and allowed the pain to seep past my eyes, escaping down the contours of my cheeks and descending past the tip of my chin. The submission released a river of fear and uncertainty as my body rocked back and forth. It was violent and raw, like a wild animal being freed from the confines of its cage for the first time, and the only thing I could do was just sit in the violence of it until it chose to release me.

When it finally did, my shirt was drenched. I stared down at the mess, wondering if this was sort of like bloodletting. Was it possible to purge the soul of impurities through tears? Finally my eyes dried, and I knew they would remain that way for another long spell. And nothing about the deep-seated anger taking over my soul felt pure.

Chapter 8: SNAKE CHARMING

March 1984

Warm temperatures and newly developed blooms of all sorts proudly declared spring was in the air, the vivid sunshine and cloudless sky reiterating it. But the only thing in the air at Nolia Farms was attitude, of the nasty variety. Each one of us was carrying it around like the burden it was —shoulders slumped, feet dragging, heavy frowns. Talk about a sour bunch.

Me, especially, and my attitude was close to spilling out all over the place as I scrubbed water troughs that Peg’s ornery behind was supposed to be cleaning. I’d just had it out with him after he mouthed off about chores for the umpteenth time. When I finished ripping him a new one, I expected my brother to do what was right and get to work. Instead, he’d slung a bag of chicken feed to the ground, spilling it all over the place, and said, “To heck with it all!” before storming off as fast as his gimp leg would let him. Seemed we were all at the end of our patience.

So Peg was sulking somewhere out of sight, Boss was lying down on the couch with an earache, Charlotte had snuck off to Miss Wise’s, and I didn’t even want to think about Pa and the useless state he was in at the moment. That only left Raleigh and the three-year-old twins to help get things done, which basically meant I was on my own since his hands were full with keeping an eye on the little ones.

On my own . . . always on my own, and I was getting right sick of it.