“Don’t apologize,” Rose said. “There’s some things a person can’t help. Better they happen at home than out in the rest of this hard world.” Andra didn’t realize the older woman had gotten up until a hand smoothed over her hair and brushed away the marks of the tears that had streaked down her cheeks. “There now,” she murmured, and Andra leaned into her touch, her throat clenching.

“That one was over faster, didn’t you think?” LJ asked.

Andra gritted her teeth. She didn’t want shorter panic attacks. She wanted to not have panic attacks. But she didn’t want them to see how much it hurt to start all over again, so she just freed a hand to squeeze LJ’s forearm. “How did you know to just go about your business?” she asked his mom. “It actually did help.”

LJ let her go, coming around and ducking his head to see her face. “Really? Because it made me feel like a jerk.”

Rose turned, made her slow way back to the table, and sank into her chair.

“When it happens, it feels like I’m dying.” It felt odd to say it out loud, but Andra focused on LJ’s brown eyes, willing him to understand. “Not like I’m injured or something but that my body goes haywire and stops working. Every single time I know I’m going to suffocate, and I can’t move or do anything about it. This time, though, you guys were so calm I knew it couldn’t be real.” She touched the back of LJ’s wrist. “I knew if I were actually dying, you’d be freaking out.”

“You can’t suffocate yourself,” Rose said. Her arms sagged in her lap now, as if even the trip across the kitchen had used up all the energy she needed to sit upright. “I read all about it at the library, years ago. You can get so mad or so scared you quit breathing, but as soon as you faint, you start right up again.”

Andra frowned. “Why would you research that? Do you get panic attacks?” It was hard to imagine anything that might frighten LJ’s crowbar-tough mom.

“When LJ was a little boy, he had fits. Not really temper tantrums. He was the sweetest child, so helpful, and you could see he wasn’t doing it on purpose. But sometimes it’d come over him, like his fa—” Rose cut herself off and kept going without a pause. “He’d get so mad he couldn’t control himself. Sometimes he’d hold his breath until he turned blue and slumped right over to sleep. Didn’t matter if I cuddled him or scolded him or anything. Only thing that helped was to leave him be until he came around on his own.” She smiled, her eyes falling to her lap. “It sure did upset some folks in the grocery store, though.”