“You swear you won’t get caught, is what you mean.”

“No, no, I won’t do it again.”

“Tell me the truth: Did you do this to get a reaction out of Ampersand?”

“No,” she said, so quick and sure that he believed her. “It feels like something takes over my body, like this demon. Like this buildup of all these terrible feelings, and the only way to relieve the pressure . . . But it’s mine, it’s not him. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can just tell what comes from him and what doesn’t. He doesn’t have violent urges. Not like I do. And I didn’t used to.”

He looked out over his backyard, taking a moment to center. “So we’re going to see a psychiatrist, going to see if they recommend any—”

“I already did.”

“When?”

“A few weeks ago.”

“What did they say?”

“Told me to find a therapist, gave me some prescriptions.”

That was an unbelievably huge relief. She’d already taken the first steps, arguably the hardest steps. “Well, why didn’t you say so? We’ll get those filled today.”

“I can’t afford any of that.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay for it.”

“I don’t want you to—”

“I said I’ll pay for it.” His patience was beginning to grow thin.

She made a noise like he’d grabbed her by the throat. “Whatever you want. I’ll do anything you want.”

He frowned. Not good. This should come from a desire to heal, not from a desire to placate him. He wondered if he was seeing what he wanted to see, not what was really there. “Do you ever have thoughts of taking your own life?”

Her body seemed to turn to porcelain. Only her eyes moved, growing wide with dread.

“It’s okay,” he said, trying to muster a supportive tone. “Tell me the truth. You can tell me.”

She opened her mouth, holding it like she had momentarily forgotten how words work. Then: “All the time.”

He’d thought he could handle it if that was her answer, but the words felt like a teaspoon tapped on the eggshell of his psyche, cracking it and leaving only a thin internal membrane to hold him together. Part of him wanted to lock her in a box, find somewhere to keep her safe. Another, louder part of him wanted to get away from her. Wanted to throw her onto the street and drive, drive into the mountains, into the woods, lock himself in a cabin forever, away from other people and their self-harming impulses. Wanted to put up an emotional barrier before he could ever again love someone who was a danger to themselves.