“Well, it’s like this,” I said. “We were running out of respect for Mantan Moreland, who used to play the chauffeur, Birmingham Brown, in all those old Charlie Chan movies. We always dug Birmingham because he knew when the plot of a whodunit thickened he couldn’t depend on his gig. So when push not only came to shove but was riding piggyback, Birmingham would say ‘Feets, do your stuff.’

“His best movie was From the Back of the Bus to the Driver’s Seat, which was set in the Deep South. Charlie Chan and Birmingham are on a bus trip in search of two dudes named Plessy and Ferguson, who are believed to be running an organization called ‘Separate but Equal Unlimited,’ which is really a front for an international syndicate that manufactures and distributes trick bags and sleight-of-hand gadgets…

“Plessy and Ferguson are believed to be on the bus, so in an attempt to find out who they are, Birmingham cops a squat in the front and goes into what he calls his ‘indefinite routine,’ where he talks to himself and then interrupts himself with some off-the-wall rap from a second party who is not present. This causes many whites to change their seats. In different parts of the bus are some of Birmingham’s cut buddies from the Limousine and Rickshaw Union who are disguised in whiteface. Whenever somebody white sits next to them they badmouth Birmingham for his disgraceful behavior and express their agreement with the Booker T. Washington philosophy that, in all things social, blacks and whites should be as separate as the fingers on a hand. One man finally goes for the bait and tries to interest one of the dudes in whiteface in some stock in ‘Separate but Equal Unlimited.’

“The bust is made and the man turns out to be Plessy. At first Plessy refuses to point out Ferguson, but changes his mind when Charlie Chan threatens him with separate but unequal punishment… As Charlie Chan’s rickshaw man, Birmingham was able to expose the hype behind ‘Separate but Equal Unlimited’ because he knew that one could be in the driver’s seat and still be taken for a ride… So, at least once a day we honor Birmingham Brown by invoking his creed—‘Feets, do your stuff’—which is what we were doing when you stopped us.”

The cop turned around to his partner again, who shrugged and shook his head up and down.

“All right. You two can go. You definitely got a lot of shit with you. But if we catch you again you better not run the same shit on us, cause if you do, we’ll make both your faces break out into assholes!”

“Well,” Otis said as we waited for a cab, “it looks like all that shit you learned in college finally paid off.”