The red in Cal’s face kicked up a notch.

Lula was waiting for me on my parents’ front porch. “You are so evil,” she said. “There’s no gash in the right front fender.”

Grandma Mazur opened the door to me. “What a surprise,” she said, real loud. “Look everyone, Stephanie’s here.”

Mary Alice was back to being a horse, galloping around the house, making horse sounds. The baby was screaming surprisingly loud for a newborn and Valerie was furiously rocking it in the rocking chair. Angie was drawing on a pad in the dining room. She had cotton wads stuck in her ears and she was singing, trying to drown out the noise. Albert Kloughn was pacing in front of Valerie.

“Maybe there’s something wrong with her,” Kloughn said to Valerie. “Maybe we should take her back to the hospital. Maybe she’s hungry. Maybe she’s wet.”

“Maybe she’s got gas,” Grandma Mazur said. “I know I do. This family’s getting on my nerves. I can’t stand all this noise and commotion. It gives me indigestion. I gotta get some Maalox.”

“I’m outta here,” Lula said. “Nice seeing you all, but I’m going to wait in the car. I’m not good with crying babies. I’ve been locked in a truck cab with a dog and two horny truck drivers for the last couple days and on top of that I’m worried I’m turning into a carnivore.”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing about the two horny truck drivers,” Grandma said.

I went into the kitchen where my mother was ironing. She always irons when she’s upset. Ordinarily no one would approach my mother when she’s got an iron in her hand, but I thought I should say something. “This house is bedlam,” I said to her.

“I got a nice almond ring from the bakery,” my mother said. “Help yourself. And there’s fresh coffee.”

Even when my mother was in a state, she was still a mother.

“What do you think of my hair?” I asked her.

She looked at me and made the sign of the cross. “Holy Mary, mother of God,” she said. Then she smiled. “I can always count on you to top anything we have going on here.”

“I hear Val’s getting married.”

“Thank goodness.”

“And I hear they’re all going to live here.”

“What can I do?” my mother said. “They have to live someplace. Am I going to turn my daughter out on the street? They’re going to buy a house as soon as Albert gets a little more established.”

There were heavy footsteps on the stairs.

“Your father,” my mother said. “He’s moving out. We’ve been married for over thirty years and now he’s moving out.”

Only if he pushed my car out of the driveway.

I went back to Val in the living room and shouted over the baby. “I’m living with Morelli these days,” I said. “Why don’t you and the kids and Albert move into my apartment?” This was right up there with poking myself in the eye with a hot stick. I didn’t really want to turn my apartment over to Valerie, but it was the only way I could immediately get her out of my parents’ house.