The cheese was getting softer. I was sinking into a boulevard of Brie, a two-lane highway of Camembert. The squirming yellow slipped around my waist, rose over my shoulder, and twisted around my neck. I didn’t even try to fight. I’d had enough. I waited for it to pull me under.

I thought I was going to die and if I’d waited another minute I might well have. But just then I heard what I thought was an owl, hooting in my ear. At the same time I found myself staring at a face I knew. A dark-haired man in a gray-colored suit. I became aware of a blue flashing light that either belonged to a dragon or a police car. I looked up and saw something driving out of the moon, flying through the sky toward me. An ambulance.

“Don’t go to sleep!” a voice commanded. “Don’t go to sleep! Don’t go to sleep!”

But it was too late. I went to sleep.

Forever.

THE MAD AMERICAN

“You’re lucky to be alive,” the man said.

It was two days later. I don’t want to tell you about those two days. I’d spent both of them in a hospital in Paris and all I can say is, if you’ve ever had your stomach pumped, you’ll know there are plenty of things you can do that are more fun. I don’t remember much about the first day. The next day, I felt like a washing machine that’s been left on too long. All I’d eaten in the entire time was a little bread and water. Fortunately, the water didn’t have bubbles. I don’t think I could have managed the bubbles.

And now, here I was in the headquarters of Sûreté, the French police force. It’s funny how police stations are the same the whole world over. This may have been grander and spiffier than New Scotland Yard. The curtains were velvet and the pictures on the wall showed some gray-haired Frenchman in a suit rather than our own gray-haired Queen in a crown. But it still smelled the same.

Tim was sitting next to me. He was the color of the yogurt that had brought us here in the first place, with eyes like crushed strawberries. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he hadn’t slept in a month. I was going to say something but decided against it. I probably looked just as bad.