And now, who knows how many dead or injured from an attack that is all my fault. There’s no one to blame but me. I let out the person who orchestrated the whole thing. I let the rebels grow this powerful. Nemesia always wondered why I was so unwilling to do anything about the rebels for so long, why I insisted they were my problem to solve. The reality is that, on some level, I agree with them. The mist should be lifted, our people should be free to travel and trade as they wish, and I’m not fit to rule.

You failed Thayaria yesterday. You’ve been failing them since you took the throne.

My breath comes in quick pants, and I can’t get enough air into my lungs. My hands clench and unclench, almost involuntarily. I stand and pace back and forth, starting then stopping repeatedly. Great heaves are the only way I can breathe, and the tightness in my chest is so painful I feel like I might implode. Shaking out my arms and rolling my neck, I try to stop the rising tension in my body. When that doesn’t work, I slump to the ground. The air feels thick, and I’m gasping for breath. I squeeze my eyes shut and curl my head to my knees. Tears leak down my face, and my whole body feels like it’s on fire. My nails cut crescent shapes into my hands. Just breathe.

Lunaria nuzzles my neck, purring loudly. She always knows when I need her the most. She lays her body close to mine, and her heat seeps into my body, comforting me enough so I can calm my racing heart. I focus on the low vibrations of her purr, and it pulls me out of the worst of it.

I force myself to take a deep breath, open my eyes, and focus on what I can see around me. My desk. Breathe in. My favorite leather chair. Breathe out. This morning’s tea mug. Breathe in. A book left on the coffee table. Breathe out. A half-finished letter. Breathe in. Lunaria’s glowing eyes. Breathe out.

I run through this exercise, identifying sounds, then smells. I end by standing and focusing on my body. I feel my toes curling in my boots. I feel the braid of my hair tickling my neck. Another deep breath in. Breathe out. I collapse on my sofa in exhaustion, my body tingling and shaking from the rush of emotion.