Chapters (66)
- PREFACE
- Full Page Image
- ONE
- TWO
- One week ago
- THREE
- Present day
- FOUR
- FIVE
- SIX
- SEVEN
- EIGHT
- NINE
- TEN
- ELEVEN
- TWELVE
- THIRTEEN
- FOURTEEN
- FIFTEEN
- SIXTEEN
- SEVENTEEN
- EIGHTEEN
- NINETEEN
- TWENTY
- TWENTY-ONE
- TWENTY-TWO
- TWENTY-THREE
- TWENTY-FOUR
- TWENTY-FIVE
- TWENTY-SIX
- TWENTY-SEVEN
- TWENTY-EIGHT
- TWENTY-NINE
- THIRTY
- THIRTY-ONE
- THIRTY-TWO
- THIRTY-THREE
- THIRTY-FOUR
- THIRTY-FIVE
- THIRTY-SIX
- THIRTY-SEVEN
- THIRTY-EIGHT
- THIRTY-NINE
- FORTY
- FORTY-ONE
- FORTY-TWO
- FORTY-THREE
- FORTY-FOUR
- FORTY-FIVE
- FORTY-SIX
- FORTY-SEVEN
- FORTY-EIGHT
- FORTY-NINE
- FIFTY
- FIFTY-ONE
- FIFTY-TWO
- FIFTY-THREE
- FIFTY-FOUR
- FIFTY-FIVE
- FIFTY-SIX
- FIFTY-SEVEN
- FIFTY-EIGHT
- FIFTY-NINE
- SIXTY
- SIXTY-ONE
- SIXTY-TWO
Squeezing my eyes shut, I fight back against a wave of hopelessness. I can't succumb to it, no matter how much I'd like to.
But how much bad luck can one person have in one lifetime? I can barely afford to think about Nikki because then I'd truly lose it, but every little failure seems to push me further in that direction anyway.
I have to keep my head clear to punish his murderers, but how can I do that when every second is a struggle? How can I not think about him when he's all I've been thinking of for the past eight years?
I've always looked at my life as before and after Nikki.
For the first sixteen years of my life, I was simply a thing, not a person. I served my purpose, but there was nothing more to me. Nikki was the first one to see me as a person and not an object. He was the first to tell me my thoughts mattered, or that I was smart despite my obvious lack of education. He was the first to truly see me.
Before, I'd never felt any of those things. I saw myself as cursed because everyone saw me as such. But he... He made me realize my worth.
Tears swim in my eyes, trickling down my cheeks as I move slowly, aimlessly.
A jolt in my left arm startles me and makes me lose my balance. I take a step backward, my eyes alert as I scan my surroundings. When I don't see anyone around, I frown. I could have sworn something bumped into me. My arm reels from the impact, the sensation growing in intensity as it spreads down my body. There's a silent hum just underneath my skin, almost as if portions of it caught on fire.
I breathe in and out, assuming it's just the start of a panic attack—Nikki always had those. But the pricking sensation persists—so much so that it makes me sway lightly on my feet, my vision swimming. Backing into a corner until my back hits a wall, I crouch down, dropping my forehead to my knees and rocking back and forth.
FOUR
I don't know how long I remain like that, barely in control of myself. I only know that once awareness starts to seep in, my eyes zone in on the empty street—more confirmation that there's no one around.
Once I'm able to get myself out of that dangerous zone, I shake my head in exasperation. The confrontation with Matthew must have shaken me more than I realized. After all, I've learned from Nikki that the mind works in mysterious ways, especially when it comes to traumatic episodes. And I'm barely starting to experience the full-blown effects of his death.