My darling Beatrice,

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I wish so ardently that there was no need for it, but there are some wishes that simply do not come true, no matter how we might long for them to. Alas, a good life needs dark leaves in the wreath.

I had hoped to say some of this to you in person, but when you fled my room earlier today I realised you were not ready to hear such sentiments as these, and may not be for some while. And I can wait no longer. Even as I pen these words, I sense that time is almost gone. Perhaps it is better this way – better for the message to be set down more permanently, so that I might reach down through the years and speak to you as the young lady you will one day become. The young lady who, unhappily, I will never have the privilege to know.

Looking at those words on the page now, I’m struck again with the bitter unfairness of it all, as well as the impossibility of writing this letter properly. In a myriad of ways, it will be hopelessly inadequate and I hope you can forgive me for that. I shall do my best, and that is all anyone can ask, after all.

I wish that I could be here to see you grow up, to share in your joys and triumphs, and to offer what comfort I could in the heartaches and setbacks that will inevitably come your way. This is what every mother wants. This is the great tragedy of having to leave you so early.

I wish that we could have had more time together. I love you more than you will ever comprehend. I wish I could have seen you on your wedding day. I wish I could have been a large piece of your life and not present just for the start of it. I am sorry that I have to leave you. I am sorry for the confusion and loneliness that will follow in the days to come. I am sorry that I frightened you when you came into my sickroom. It was a mistake, perhaps, to try to say goodbye in person but, you see, adults make mistakes too sometimes, even mothers. Especially mothers, I suppose, as so much more is required of us.

As time passes, I fear you will look back on our final meeting with pain and regret, and that you will feel guilty about the way we parted. My darling, I beg that you will not do so. If there were things you later thought you would have liked to say to me, rest assured that I already knew them. I knew them all. Sometimes things do not need to be said out loud. When you think of me, do not dwell on those final moments between us. If anyone is to blame for those, it is me – and me alone. Think instead of our time in the gardens at our beloved Half Moon House. How I wish we could have created that garden together, just as we planned. I wish I could have left you with a special place that you could go to watch the fairies dance, and talk with the Spider Queen, and taste magic, and be truly yourself.

My dear, I know that sometimes you feel unseen and unheard. This world is not an easy place to be a girl, or indeed a woman. But my keenest hope is that you will one day make a good match, marry well and have children of your own. You have been my greatest joy in this life and I long for you to experience such feelings too. There can be no greater pride on this earth than the one that comes from being a good wife and mother.

And now, my dearest, I fear I must lay down my pen and can only hope that this letter will bring you some comfort. Be kind to your father and forgive him his faults. He will do his best.

All my love, always,

Mama