Chapters (39)
- Cover
- Title
- Author’s Note
- Glossary
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Acknowledgments
“I don’t think so. It’s just that I’m so ashamed of how ashamed my father is of me. And how hard it is for him to hide that shame. Does that make sense?”
Faye was quiet and lay so still that Clare wondered if she’d fallen asleep. Perhaps it was for the best; too much had already been said. Then she felt a hand on hers, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“I’m not inside your dad’s head, but I do know him. And I’m a parent. I don’t believe your father is ashamed of you. He’s far too understanding for that. Too compassionate. I don’t doubt that it hurts him to see you ill and that he’d love to wave a wand and make all well. That’s what parents want, to make their children happy, even if it costs them. But Geoffrey is not ashamed of you.”
“How could he not be?” The words were carried by another sigh. “I’m ashamed of me.”
“What would it take to change that? To get rid of the shame?”
Clare moved her hand and swallowed. Even that hurt.
“I have an idea, something I’ve been trying for a while, actually. The two people I’ve told think it’s silly, just an extension of the anorexia, but I think it’ll work for me. It is working, mostly.”
“What is it?”
“You’ll probably think as my mother does; that I’m ridiculous.”
“Try me.”
Clare explained how she believed she could use her relentless need to be in control to reverse her illness. She told Faye how she set goals and added calories and different foods to her diet every week. She explained how she monitored her achievements and rewarded herself with exercise.
“I thought, if I can’t beat my compulsion, why not make it work for me, help me recover?” she said. “If I’m disciplined enough to get it right, I might even recognise myself again and like what I see. The person I used to be.”
Faye didn’t interrupt and, when Clare stopped talking, she remained silent. Clare wondered once more if the older woman had fallen asleep. But that wasn’t the case.
“I get it,” said Faye. “I can’t say whether it will work because I’m not an expert, but it makes sense. The thing is, you say you’re trying to find the person you were; the one you recognise and like, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m not sure that’s possible. You aren’t the same girl. None of us stay the same as we experience life. We change. We evolve.”