Now, as he sat up in the cabin and dragged his legs over the side of the bed, Derek pictured his father’s face and imagined his voice: “Just as I predicted, you’ve amounted to nothing.”

Derek glanced at the floor where his hip flask and the last pack of the painkillers lay. The pain in his back had eased but still, he hoped the rangers would make it that day so he’d have access to more analgesics by nightfall.

Seventeen

Seventeen

Faye was surprised when Clare spoke so openly about her anorexia. She wondered if it was the darkness, their isolation, the after-effects of the girl’s accident or because she and Faye were on the periphery of friendship that prompted her to talk. She settled on it being a combination of all of these things. Aside from loosening up for a bit while they’d eaten supper with the bats overhead the previous night, Clare had been subdued, aloof even. Her reticence ebbed as they lay side-by-side on the damp forest floor. Faye was pleased the girl felt she could confide in her, but that didn’t stop her heart pumping faster. She knew little about eating disorders aside from what Michelle had told her. What if she said the wrong thing? Upset the girl? Made things worse for her?

Then Clare spoke of how ashamed her father was of her; confirmed, she said, by things Derek said. Faye was stunned. The notion of her husband understanding Geoffrey’s emotions was ridiculous. The only thing more implausible was that Geoffrey was ashamed of his daughter. Nor did it make any sense that, even if it were true, Michelle would disclose something so private about her family to Derek. And, in the unlikely event she had confided in him, why would Derek repeat such hurtful information to Clare? Even if her husband and the girl were involved in a relationship that might afford him some kind of prerogative, it was cruel. As belittling as he might be about his wife, Derek wasn’t heartless.

Faye’s mind whirred with questions, to none of which she gave voice. Where were they when Derek told Clare about her father’s shame? Lunching near the university? How had the conversation come about? What did Derek mean when he said he and Michelle, “Talk every day about everything”? Was that even possible? Faye wasn’t aware Derek and Michelle spoke to one another outside the times the Mackenzies and Bassons met as couples or families.

But it was Clare’s description of her own shame that shook Faye most. In fact, her muscles contracted and released in such rapid succession, she shuddered. She literally shook. Indeed, Clare’s words struck a chord. No, it was more than that. The entire orchestra played and the refrain was loud and clear.

“I just want to be able to look at myself and feel proud, happy. So others can feel the same.”