I’ve done my best over the last two days. But I don’t see why I should tell Dr McGovern, or anybody, what I feel about her, especially since I am struggling to tell myself what I feel. I loved Clare, but I am furious with her. Did I even know Clare? These are the thoughts that collide. They’re mine. I don’t want to share them, not even with the alluring Dr McGovern. But I need to get out of this place. I have to play the game.

‘Sure.’

‘Tell me again about how you feel she protected you in childhood?’

‘Dunno. She just did.’ I’ve reverted to being a monosyllabic, grumpy teenager.

‘Can you explain what you mean?’

‘We looked out for one another. Our parents had big ambitions for us, so big they were hard to bear. We supported each other.’ Actually, I’m not capturing it properly. ‘She was my big sister. She protected me. Just that.’

‘Can I ask, do you dream about her?’

That’s a new question and it makes me think. ‘It’s weird. I don’t. Or at least if I do, I never remember when I wake up.’

‘How do you feel when you wake up?’

Shall I tell the truth? ‘I feel anxious. I normally wake at around four, gripped by panic about something I can’t name or identify. And then I can’t get back to sleep.’

There’s a pause. She writes something down in her top-of-the-range, brown leather Filofax and then looks directly at me. ‘Right now, you are certainly suffering from trauma, perhaps even post-traumatic stress disorder. That would hardly be surprising, since you were alone with her in the hospital as she was dying.’

‘OK . . .’

‘But there is an underlying problem, too. You’ve talked to me about how you’ve been using cocaine and alcohol and even casual sex for some years now.’

I give a shallow nod.

‘So, it’s my view, from talking to you, that you use these in an addictive pattern. Your issues and your addictions are intimately connected. We have to treat both.’

‘With all due respect,’ I say, ‘you’re over-analysing. I take the coke because it helps me focus, I drink because I enjoy it. But it’s my choice. I’m in charge, I can give up any time. As for sex, I’m in a relationship of sorts; I’m just useless at commitment.’ I don’t add that Marilyn couldn’t be less interested in commitment either – unless it’s to her boss.

‘Do you believe that? I can see on the surface you are a great success, very much at the forefront of your profession. But that does not mean you don’t have an addiction problem. Have you heard of the expression “high-functioning addict”?’