What a mess, indeed. But I’m not going to make my mother feel bad about it. It’s against my three-part code: Help others to the best of your abilities, never do anything half-assed, and always honor thy mother. The latter principle is absolute. This woman was dealt a shitty hand when she hooked up with my father, a man who was in love with someone else from day one and treated my mother like a consolation prize. After he left, she and her two sisters raised me and my cousins, making tons of sacrifices along the way. So I have no patience for anyone or anything that threatens my mother’s well-being.

“Mãe, don’t feel bad. You actually didn’t lie.” I give her a small smile. “I am seeing someone, and it is getting serious.”

She gasps. “You are?”

I shake my head and give her a playful wink. “No. But see? I can pretend to be dating someone while our cousins are visiting. I even have the perfect person to play my partner.”

“Who is he?” she asks, sagging in relief.

“Could be a ‘she,’ Izabel. Or a ‘they,’” Tia Mariana observes.

I whip my head in my aunt’s direction, and she laughs.

“What?” she says. “Rey and I talk about these things.”

My mother waves her sister’s comment away. “It makes no difference to me. I just need it to be convincing.”

“I’ll ask Brandon to do it,” I say, wanting to rein these two in.

Her eyes grow as wide as a semitruck. Yes, my closest friend and roommate is going to be shocked to discover that he and I have finally admitted our love for each other and are now dating. Luckily for me, Brandon is an aspiring actor and always game for a bit of improv.

She claps her hands. “He’s perfect! Brandon’s a good boy.”

“Exactly. So whenever Cláudia and the family visit, I’ll be sure to bring him around. Then you can tell them later that it didn’t work out.”

Honestly, that’s the general trajectory of my real relationships anyway. Turns out vowing never to pursue emotionally unavailable men significantly reduces my options. Who knew?

Remembering the premise of the latest romance novel on my nightstand, I can’t help wondering whether this could be the start of my own love story: friends to lovers with a side of fake dating. Nah. Considering my track record, a happily-ever-after like that is about as likely as my meeting a shape-shifting bear in line at my neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts.