The nosy part of me wants to watch what happens next; the sensible part of me knows I can’t stand here forever. Think, Solange. Think. Okay, okay, I suppose I can pretend to be oblivious to what’s unfolding and slink past them. Since the bride’s makeup was already done when I arrived, Ella and I haven’t crossed paths, so I could make myself scarce in the dressing suite, and she would never know her secret’s been compromised. Or I could tiptoe back to the door on the third floor. Considering they’re totally engrossed in each other, I may be able to leave undetected.

I eye the stairs, then turn my head and stare at the door. Decisions, decisions. But hang on a minute. I didn’t do anything wrong. This is the bride’s mess, not mine. And I want that fucking lotion—it’s magical. Plus, I need time to plan my next move.

Because the apparently unlucky groom isn’t a stranger. Not exactly. Dean and I haven’t met yet, but he’s the best friend of Lina’s boyfriend, and loyalty to my cousin (along with basic decency) dictates that I consider whether to disclose what I’m witnessing.

A loud gasp signals that the choice of how to extricate myself from the situation is no longer mine, however, and when I glance back at the duo, two pairs of wary eyes are gazing at me.

Thankfully, I’m quick on my feet. “Sorry to interrupt, folks,” I say, giving them a jaunty salute. “I understand the need to sneak away just before you say ‘I do.’ My husband and I had sex literally ten minutes before we tied the knot.” I’m not married, but I can lie to someone’s face when the occasion calls for it.

To my relief, the tension in the bride’s body recedes, as if she’s determined I’m not a potentially hostile friend of the groom. Her unrequited crush, meanwhile, rubs the back of his head and barks out a laugh.

“It’s so hard to stay away from him, you know?” she says. “Just an hour more and we’ll be in each other’s arms for our first dance.” Playing the role of a bride flirting with her intended, she gives him a coy smile and tugs on the lapels of his suit jacket to draw him close. Is he a wedding guest, for heaven’s sake? Then she winks at him, the faint blush blooming across her dewy cheeks conveniently enhancing her performance.

Wow, she’s as talented an actor as I am.