“Dean heard the promises these men made,” Melissa continues. “And he was there to pick up the pieces when a relationship went south. At some point, I’m guessing he started to think those promises were meaningless. Or he didn’t want to turn himself inside out for love the way I did. And I think it’s more complicated than even Dean realizes. When all is said and done, Dean doesn’t believe anyone will ever put him first, because I didn’t. So he’s fashioned a life for himself that ensures no one will ever have to. If Dean looks out for Dean, he’ll be fine. Or so he thinks.”

So when I didn’t mention the job offer, I only underscored what he believes: that people won’t consider him a priority. But no one’s going to prioritize Dean if he isn’t willing to reciprocate. If he isn’t willing to risk that his life won’t always go according to his grand plan. That’s the impasse.

Melissa stares off into the distance, then stretches out her legs in front of her, settling her hands between her thighs. “Did he ever tell you he wanted to be a swimmer?”

“He did.”

She nods knowingly. “When Dean was fourteen or fifteen, I can’t remember precisely when, he tried out for his school’s swim team. Came home all excited about it. I came home excited too. Because I’d been dating a guy I met at a work conference, and he’d asked us to move in with him.”

A weight settles on my heart. I can picture a young Dean barreling through the door, his bright eyes dancing with excitement. “Let me guess, the guy lived somewhere else.”

Melissa nods. “Pennsylvania. We lived in Delaware at the time. I didn’t understand the effort Dean had put into getting on the team. He did it all on his own. So when we relocated to Pennsylvania, he was sullen. Moody. Way more than usual. I thought he was just adjusting to a new place, a new school, and he was. But he was also dealing with the loss of one of his childhood dreams. Now, maybe nothing would have come of his swimming career, but the point is, my choices made it impossible for him to even try.”

If Dean were here, I’d tuck him against me and just hold him. For however long he wanted. We’re a lot alike, actually. We both want to guarantee only positive outcomes in our lives. But that’s not how any of this works. Not by a long shot. “Why are you telling me all of this?”