“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Bear said. “Don’t give that back to me,” he scolded. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” he said again, “at all.”

In the dim room, his eyes looked darker. He got closer, close enough for me to smell his spicy, exotic scent, which I imagined was thatched right into his hair. On his head, everywhere. I pictured an arrow of hair, like a feather, coming together below his navel, and I just about blacked out.

“What do you want?” Bear said again.

I felt my lip twitch in a nervous tic. I tried to look away, out the window, but it was completely dark out there, and all I saw was a reflection of the room, the fire, the couch where Buddy was curled and sleeping, the two of us toe to toe.

Bear took my jaw in his hand and kissed me.

A real kiss. Not a shy peck to try things out, something that might be misconstrued and explained. He started slow, and when I didn’t freak out again, he went right for it, his hand on the back of my neck, my lips apart. I felt his teeth and his tongue.

I made a sound like strangling. Like gasping.

“What do you want?” Bear said again, with just enough space for breathing.

I shook my head. My whole core trembled. I was my own earthquake.

He bit my bottom lip, playful, and I felt like I’d collapse, my knees giving way, my body like a pile of silk on the floor.

“I want you to say it,” Bear said.

I can’t, I thought. I couldn’t articulate anything. He had me by the back of the skull, but he let go and tucked his fingers behind my ears. His body curved like a muscular dog, hunched and ready.

He moved just the dry tip of his tongue around the outside of my ear.

“You want me to fuck you,” he said.

“Oh God,” was all I could say.

“Say it,” Bear said. He put his knee between mine, a wrestling move, like he was ready to take me down, onto the soft butter couch, or right onto the floor in front of the fire. I didn’t have any fight in me. I wanted it. My voice felt stopped, dry.

“Shannon,” he said, his forehead pressed to mine.

“Fuck me,” I said, and my knees felt like water.

His laugh was delighted. I thought if he didn’t go ahead, I might die right there on the spot. I dug my fingers into his forearms. “Please,” I whispered.

I almost ruined it. When we were tangled up on the couch, kissing, and Bear undid his pants and put his hand on the back of my head and my whole body lurched in panic.

“I can’t,” I said, breathless. Oh my God, I thought. Is this what he’s paying me for?

He backed up, hands off. “It’s okay,” he said. But then he got up, and I thought it was over, that that was as far as it would ever go and I would have to spontaneously combust from shame. But he held out his hand and led me back to the bedroom.