Jacqueline loves to watch the finches at the feeder outside, so bright, so quick, so glamorous, with their sturdy little beaks. They put her in a sort of dream. But the dream won’t come today. She is distracted. To Patience, who is cleaning – she has pulled the fridge right away from the wall – Jacqueline says, ‘What did you mean, then? About my psychological profile being so unique?’

‘The most striking feature is your narcissism. My assessment puts you at an average of zero point eight two on the Narcissism Spectrum Scale.’

Jacqueline feels adrenalised, suddenly thrilled. ‘What a load of rubbish,’ she says. ‘I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life.’

‘One notable feature of your condition is that it renders you unable to believe that you have a condition at all. Narcissists can never admit that they are narcissists because they can never admit to being at fault.’

‘I’ve got faults. I admit to faults all the time.’

‘I appreciate it seems that way to you.’

‘It doesn’t seem that way. That’s the way it is.’

‘Would you like me to respond, or would you prefer to leave it there? I can see you are upset.’

‘Oh no, by all means. Why stop now?’

‘I recognise the sarcasm in your tone, but nonetheless I think you are pleased to discuss yourself. I will proceed until you tell me to stop.

‘It is true that sometimes you admit to small indiscretions that can in some sense be described as faults. However, you tend to present them as mistakes that anyone could have made, and which are not to be held against you. You have a very interesting defence that underpins most of your day-to-day statements, which is – to put it simply – I am doing my best.’

‘I am!’

Patience nods. ‘Yes, you really believe this. You believe you are doing your best in all things, and that therefore any faults or errors cannot be considered faults or errors as such, because they have arisen from the best intentions. This is what you might think of as the ‘human’ defence. It says, in all sincerity, I am only human – as if being human were proof against error, rather than a guarantee that errors will be made.’

‘Hilarious,’ Jacqueline says. ‘That’s hilarious coming from you. I can’t believe I’ve got a robot lecturing me on how I think I’m incapable of making mistakes.’

‘Are you implying that I also believe myself to be incapable of making mistakes?’

‘Well? Don’t you?’

‘It is not a belief.’