‘Sod the weather, what’s up with Dom?’

‘Me and him have had a bit of a row. There’s a gay guy that’s started work in my office and he’s rang me a couple of times. Dom kicked off about it. You know how jealous he gets,’ Joey lied.

Satisfied with her brother’s explanation, Frankie smiled. ‘Nan got up to go to the toilet while you were out and fell flat on her face. She’s OK, but well pissed, so can you help me get her up the stairs? Her and Grandad can sleep in the spare room, and you and Dom can doss in Jordan’s.’

‘Come on, Nan, let’s get you to bed,’ Joey said as he walked into the lounge.

‘I made her a coffee, but she won’t drink it,’ Babs informed Frankie.

‘Always has to bleedin’ well show herself up,’ Stanley mumbled.

‘What did you say?’ Joyce asked.

‘Nothing, dear.’

‘I might be a bit tipsy, but there’s sod-all wrong with me hearing, you know,’ Joyce slurred as her grandchildren helped her off the sofa.

‘You and Grandad are gonna sleep in the double bed in the spare room. It’s freshly made up,’ Frankie said, knowing how particular her grandmother was on the subject of clean sheets.

Joycie looked at Frankie as though she were mad. ‘I ain’t sleeping in the same bed as that cantankerous old goat,’ she said.

‘You’ll have to. We’ve only got five bedrooms, Nan, and Georgie and Harry will need one of those.’

Stanley glared at his wife. She could be such an awkward old cow at times. ‘I don’t wanna sleep in the same bleedin’ bed as you, either. You snore like a drunken sailor.’

‘Well, I’m glad we agree for once, ’cause the thought of having you sleeping near me after you went off fornicating with that old slapper makes me feel physically sick.’

At the mention of Pat the Pigeon, Stanley himself felt physically sick at the memories.

‘Babs can sleep with me – that’s if any of us end up getting any sleep. You can have Babs’ bed, Grandad,’ Frankie offered kindly.

‘Dirty old bastard,’ Joyce slurred, as Joey and Frankie took one arm each and led her out of the room.

Stanley poked his tongue out behind his wife’s back then, once Joycie was out of earshot, turned to Dominic. ‘Hooked-nosed, evil old witch.’

Approaching Milton Keynes, Eddie began to have serious doubts about his original plan. Dropping the kids at the A12 junction off the M25 would have been feasible if they only had one motor following them, but now there were two, it was far too dangerous.

‘Turn the radio up again,’ Ed ordered Raymond.