‘Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Dominic, Happy birthday to you,’ she sang as she placed the cake on the table in front of Dom. Joey took one look at the cake and burst into hysterical laughter. Dom didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as he saw Stanley’s confused face.

‘What’s that on the front, then?’ Stanley asked innocently, twisting his head one way then the other.

The cake was facing Dominic and Joey and Stanley couldn’t make head nor tail of what it was meant to be.

‘It’s a willy, Stanley,’ Joyce replied proudly.

Stanley looked at his wife. ‘What, Free Willy?’ he asked, referring to the whale in the film he and Joycie had taken Georgie and Harry to see last year.

‘No, a willy, as in a penis. Well, there was no point me getting boobies or naked women iced on the front, was there? Dominic’s a gay man and he likes a willy, especially our Joey’s.’

‘That’s disgusting! It’s immoral! And do you have to spout filth like that? The shop that sold that cake to you wants bloody reporting to the police. As for you buying the bleeding thing in the first place, there must be something wrong with you, woman.’

‘Oh shut up, you miserable old goat. I bet that old slapper Pat weren’t complaining when you was waving your willy at her, eh Stanley? That’s what you call bloody immoral, especially when you’re married to somebody else.’

Feeling his cheeks turn beetroot red, Stanley stood up. ‘I’m busting for a wee, it must be all that bitter,’ he said, as he bolted from the room.

Joycie looked at Joey and Dom and all three of them burst out laughing.

‘You shouldn’t wind him up like that, Nan. You’ll give him a heart attack one of these days,’ Joey said seriously.

‘Good! Serves the philandering homophobic old bastard right,’ Joyce cackled.

‘Well?’ Eddie asked, as Raymond and Stuart sat down at the table opposite him.

‘Swarming with Old Bill,’ Stuart said, grinning.

‘We came back a different way. We didn’t wanna drive past there again,’ Raymond added.

Eddie felt a sense of relief rush through his veins. ‘The Old Bill didn’t clock ya, did they?’

‘Nah, they were all inside the driveway,’ Stu replied.

‘Well, thank fuck for that. I told you Baldwin weren’t lying, didn’t I?’ Eddie said, beaming from ear to ear.

‘I’m gonna get us all a large Scotch to celebrate, then I’m gonna have to gel, Ed,’ Raymond said.

As Raymond walked up to the bar, Eddie’s phone burst into life.