‘Dunno, up north, I suppose. Come with me, Sammy boy, and bring your chavvies with you an’ all. I mean how often do you get to see Sammy Junior and Freddy boy? Four times a fucking month is bollocks, mate. If you come with me, you can see ’em all the time.’

Sammy was dubious. ‘What about Tommy and Julie? I can’t just leave ’em. And what about your mum and dad? We can’t just fuck off and not tell them, Jed.’

Jed smirked. ‘If we go, you can guarantee me mum and dad will come an’ all. As for Tommy boy – snatch him. Don’t bring Julie though, it’s too risky.’

Sammy shook his head. Usually he loved his cousin’s bright ideas, but this one was bordering on ridiculous. ‘You gotta be winding me up, Jed, and if you ain’t, then you’re a proper fucking dinlo.’

Beverley’s funeral turned out exactly as Eddie has expected. Apart from himself, Gary, Ricky, Albert, Reg, Vi and Joanie, only ten other people turned up. One was Bev’s sister, another her cousin and the other eight were drunken low-lifes.

Unable to set foot near the house where they had found their mother’s rotting corpse, Gary and Ricky met their father at the City of London Crematorium. Beverley had developed a passion for marijuana as well as drink in the latter part of her life and had told Gary and Ricky of her wishes many times.

‘When I go, I wanna be cremated so I can go up in a puff of smoke like one of these,’ she would say, puffing furiously on a joint.

The service was short and sweet. Gary said a few words and Ed was glad when it was all over. He felt dreadfully sorry for his sons, but he had had no feelings for Beverley other than disgust for many years. The one tear Eddie did shed at the end was in memory of Jessica. Not being allowed to attend the funeral of the wife he had loved would leave an imprint on his heart for ever.

Jed sat on the sofa opposite his parents. The kids were in the garden playing, so he had their full attention for once.

‘Don’t be so fucking stupid!’ Jimmy yelled, when Jed repeated what he’d told Sammy earlier.

‘I dunno what you’re worried about. There’s no way them courts will ever let that old whore ever look after them chavvies again. She tried to murder you, the wicked bitch,’ Alice said, her eyes brimming with tears at the thought of not seeing her grandchildren regularly.

‘But I’d want you two to come with me. And what about Terry Baldwin? You know what a nutter he is, Mum. You saw him nearly batter me to death once and now Sally’s dead, he’s bound to come after me again,’ Jed said, trying to make his parents see sense.