Removing the rose from the buttonhole in his lapel, the warden took a moment to study it from every angle. Like all of his roses, it was a lovely specimen, perhaps the loveliest he’d ever grown. Barefoot in the damp grass and darkness, he’d tried to pick the very best, silken-soft and fresh as the morning dew.

Just die, he thought, before smelling of it deeply.

Can’t you pretty please, just hurry up and simply fucking die?

36

When my father came to the kitchen, I pretended it was a regular day, and that his eyes weren’t bloodshot from crying. Raw emotion was not a thing I liked to see in my father, but I gave him a pass, since I was the one who’d drawn it like a thorn from his soul.

“Have you seen your mother?”

“No.”

“Who was on the phone?”

“Chance. I’m going over.”

“It’s kind of early.”

“He’s had a rough few days; sounded a little strange. I’ll give him a ride to school.”

“I’d rather you not.”

“I do it all the time.”

“You misunderstand. I’d rather you not go to school.” That got my attention. “Somebody saw you at Sara’s on the day she disappeared. Martinez found a witness who saw you go inside.”

“So what if I did?”

“Just stay away from Martinez and Smith. Avoid your usual routines and places. Don’t make it easy for them. I need a day to figure this out.”

I told him I would do as he asked. “Do you have my car keys?”

He pointed at a bowl on the counter, and watched me scoop out the keys. “About your brother,” he said.

“Don’t.” I pulled a baseball cap from my back pocket, and tugged it down above my eyes. “At least, not now.”

“I want to say one thing, and it’s this. I’ve always tried to do right by you boys, by all of you boys. You’re so different from each other, but I’ve loved you each with everything I have, all of my heart and hopes, everything inside. And I’ve tried to be even and fair, to not play favorites, to temper your mother when I can, hard as that can be, at times. I’ve done the best I could to give you boys the childhoods you deserve, to raise you to be strong and kind, to become good men. None of that happens overnight; it’s the work of a lifetime, the gift of a lifetime.