Hurt flashed across his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Warner. I’m really tired right now. Can we go inside?”

Even if he was hurt, he covered it with a smile. And I couldn’t feel more terrible. “It’s all right, Em. I understand. Let’s go in and freshen up.” With that, he turned around. And I watched him walk away in silence.

Soft breeze touched my skin as I watched the dark clouds cover the light of the full moon. The stars weren’t awake tonight. The bare night offered nothing but the sounds of crickets.

They used to soothe my mind other times, but not tonight. They couldn’t tame the storm raging in my chest.

A stab of guilt hit me as I remembered Warner’s face this evening when I rejected him again. This wasn’t the first time I turned him down on being intimate with him. Not only him, in those past years, whoever I’d dated, I’d not gone anywhere past the kiss.

I just couldn’t.

And no guy would want to do anything with a girl who couldn’t even let them kiss her properly, let alone getting physical. But Warner wasn’t one of them. He respected my wishes and kept his distance. The most he touched me intimately was kissing me. Other than that, I couldn’t give him anything. And he never complained, even though I felt his desire to take our relationship to a next level.

But tonight, I couldn’t even give him a kiss.

A tear slipped down my cheek.

I swear, I tried. I tried my best to get out of my barrier, but I failed. The more I tried, the more I felt disgusted with myself. The more I felt my insides dying. Even if I closed a chapter of my life in my mind, those strings never left me.

The feeling of doing something wrong never left me alone. And I did wrong to myself by forcing myself to feel something for those men I dated. But I couldn’t make my heart beat for someone else like it did for him.

So, I stopped trying.

When Warner asked me to be his girlfriend, he knew of my condition. Though he didn’t know what happened in my past. But he knew of my broken heart. I told him I might never be able to love him back, but he said he wanted to give it a try. I didn’t want to hurt him in the process, but his persistence gave me hope. That maybe, I could feel love again.

But I didn’t.

Though he wanted a relationship between us, I agreed for my own selfishness. And I hurt the man who was always there for me when no one was.

And all of this because of my stupid heart. It just doesn’t know how to react to anyone other than only one person.