I ran away from the Blue House, ran as fast as I could. The sky was thick with rain now, and I had to push through the black, wet sky. I heard a voice in my head. You stupid, fucked-up girl. You almost fucked up the best thing you had. My white dress was soaked. Under the streetlight, I could see my breasts and the bones of my hips. Shivering, I couldn’t wait to be back in his bed. He was a good guy, careful and kind, so unlike Bryce and Dean. I’d climb the stairs quietly. I’d apologize. I should have trusted him, listened to his warning. I don’t know what possessed me, I just always want to go where I’m not supposed to go. He’d warm me up. We’d go to bed; I wouldn’t beg; I’d stop pushing him; I’d win his love.

I took off my shoes, walked up the stairs silently. I wanted my repentant return to be a surprise. His door was unlocked, and I tiptoed across his kitchen floor so softly, I might have been a ghost.

Someone moaned in his bedroom.

Nicholas was sitting on the windowsill, his hands in fists, his head thrown back, his mouth open as he moaned again. And before him, on his knees, was a bare-chested boy in blue jeans. Who was it, I didn’t even care. Could have been Scotty. Could have been any of the boys who’d skated in the swimming pool. Later, I’d think about all the boys I’d seen that night, and I’d remember Devon, a freckled kid with a bleached crew cut and a cute, chip-toothed grin. It was Devon in the bedroom, Devon who’d once handed Nicholas his brand-new skateboard, his voice breaking as he’d asked for an autograph.

Nicholas would be so embarrassed if he knew what I’d seen. He’d feel the same shame I’d felt when my father discovered me. I couldn’t handle it at all.

When I put China’s coat on, I started to cry, and I grabbed all the speed from the Wonder Bread bag. Who cares, I thought, I’m back to my bad ways. Where was my knife? My mind was racing and I was fighting the sudden urge to scream. I’d have to leave my library books behind. Sue me. Mr. Pro could artfully throw them in the slot as he went flying through the air in a wondrous ollie kickflip leap of faith.

This time, I looked maniacal as I knocked on the Blue House door. My crazed expression would turn out to be handy; I’d fit right in. Knock, knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s Little Red Riding Hood.

I just wanted to party.

Luce! I screamed, in perfect imitation. Let me in! Luce!