I shudder at the thought of it. Everything that I have achieved—with the children, with the court, with the king—has been in the certainty that I will never feel Thomas’s dark eyes on me, that I will never glance up and see him looking at me. I don’t know that I can even sleep if he is under the same roof. I can’t imagine lying quietly in my bed if he is somewhere in the palace, naked but for a sheet, waiting for my soft tap on his door. I won’t know how to dance if he is watching. What if we are in the same set and there is a moment when we go hand to hand? How shall I feel his touch and not turn to him? And when he puts his warm hand on my waist? How shall I land on my feet if he lifts me in the haute danse and I feel his breath on my cheek? When he helps me down from my horse I will have to put my hands on his shoulders; when he puts me on the ground, will he take the chance to hold me close?

I have no idea how I can hide my utter need for him. I cannot imagine how it should be done. I am on show all the time; everyone watches me. I cannot trust myself; I cannot trust my hand not to shake when I hold it out for the polite brush of his warm lips. This is a court schooled in the bad habit of watching Henry’s queens. I succeed Katherine Howard: a byword for immorality. Everyone will always be watching me to see if I am a fool like her.

“I shall lead them myself,” Henry repeats.

“Oh, no,” I say weakly. “My lord...”

“I shall,” he says.

“But your health?”

“I am strong enough. I would not send an army to France without their king at the head. I would not ask them to face death without me.”

I know very well what I am to say, but I feel too slow and stupid to form the words. All I can think is that Thomas Seymour will be coming home to England and I will see him again. I wonder if he still thinks of me, if his desire is unchanged, if he still wants me as he did. I wonder if he has put me out of his mind, if—like a man—he has cut off love and severed desire, put it away and forgotten it. Or, does he, like me, still ache? I wonder if I will be able to ask him.

“Surely, one of your lords can go?” I say. “You don’t need to be at the forefront.”