“No,” I whisper. “I’m not.”

I fall into his arms, and even though there are still some people in their cubicles who could probably see us, I let the tears fall. Maybe “let” is the wrong word. I’m helpless to stop these tears.

At least Sam is here. When he got the news, he was all alone. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for him. He wanted this baby as badly as I did. I can see in his eyes how devastated he is.

“I’ll drive you home, okay?” he says. “I’ve got the car.”

Home. Where the nursery is all set up for the baby we’re not going to get. How can we go back there? I can’t bear it. Also…

“The baby shower…” The thought of going back to the room with the giant diaper cake is like being stabbed in the chest. “I need to tell them.”

“I’ll talk to them,” he says. “You wait here.”

Sam is such a wonderful husband.

It’s all my fault we can’t get pregnant. He’s normal. Perfect sperm. All-star sperm. I’m the defective one.

“You don’t have to…” I murmur.

“I’ll talk to them,” he says again, more firmly this time. “But don’t leave without me. Promise?”

I nod mutely. I’m not going to argue with him.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says. “It will.”

Except I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince—me or himself.

_____

Sam and I don’t say one word to each other on the drive home. Even Sam’s car is a depressing reminder of what we’ve lost. Ever since I met him, Sam had driven a 1997 Honda Civic. It was old when he bought it used, and it got to the point where he had to say a prayer every time he turned the key in the ignition. I begged him to trade it in for something safer and more reliable, insisting we had the money to get him any car he wanted, but he clung to that car like it was his first child.

Then when we found out we had a baby on the way for sure, without prompting, Sam got rid of his old Civic and got a brand new Toyota Highlander. It’s a big, safe SUV that has a car seat strapped into the back which we will probably never use. Just looking at that car seat makes me want to burst into tears.

I should have taken the subway home.