All this was what a man expects to think. In a leaden voice I raged, “You are not some girl in a case!”

“So what am I?” Helena demanded.

“Yourself.” I could not tell her.

I could hardly believe she did not realize.

“We ought to leave.”

I hated her sounding so unapproachable. Oh I knew why; dear gods how I knew! I had done this to other people. The hardened attitude—so ungracious, but oh so sensible. A brisk departure, in deep anxiety that one hour of passion might be held against you as the excuse for a lifetime of painful commitment which you had never pretended to want…

Now here was an irony. For the first time in my life I felt everything I should, everything most women believe they need. The only time it mattered, yet either Helena simply could not believe it—or she was frantically trying to evade me. I locked my grip on her.

“Helena Justina,” I began slowly, “what can I do? If I said that I loved you, it would be a tragedy to us both. I am beneath your dignity, and you are beyond my reach—”

“I am a senator’s daughter,” she interrupted in a busy tone of voice, “you are two ranks below. This is not illegal; yet it will not be allowed—” She struggled restlessly but I would not let her go. “There is nothing for us—”

“Perhaps! Lady, you and I are as cynical as one another about the world. We will do whatever we must, but don’t doubt me. I wanted you very badly; I had wanted you for a long time—as much as you wanted me!” I saw her gaze become unsteady. Quite suddenly I hoped, and made myself believe, that her view of me had been better than I thought, not only last night, but perhaps long before. I threw myself into the hope, knowing—yet not caring—that I was a fool. “And now…”

“Now?” she repeated. A tiny smile twitched in the corner of her mouth. I realized she was answering a smile of mine; she was still with me after all. Fighting for her friendship, I watched her melt back to the intimacy we so unexpectedly found last night. More sure of myself, I soothed that tender spot on the nape of her neck where I had undone the catch of her necklace many hours before. This time I dared let myself notice the flutter on her skin where she was touched. This time I understood that she realized how every nerve in my body was aware of her.

For the second time I told her a truth she must have known already.

“Now I want you again.”

XLIX

Afterwards, awe-struck, I felt her racked by half a dozen sobs, releasing tensions which even in her arms last night I had only half realized were there.

“Marcus!”