He wasn’t sure how to explain all of that but he tried. “I really don’t. But, admittedly, that doesn’t mean I’ve been all that thrilled about living either.” When she didn’t stop him, he looked for another way to say it. “Alexis’s death is bound up with a whole bunch of other things. The unbearable grief. How it shredded my parents. How Hansen lost it.”

“You’re angry with him.”

“What? No.” He loved Hansen. Spent most of his life trying to be Hansen. Typical baby brother stuff.

She leaned against the counter just a few feet away from him. “He got to fall apart but you didn’t.”

“He went on a vigilante rampage and almost got thrown in jail.” Those words were too strong. He wasn’t sure why he said them or where they came from.

Hansen had derailed but figured it out. Now he was engaged and stable and all of that was behind him.

“And you’re jealous of that,” she said.

“That’s not—”

“Connor.” She said his name louder this time.

“It’s not about being jealous. I was the responsible one.” It sounded odd when he said it out loud. He was the youngest and the one least connected to the business. He actually thought about taking a different path until Hansen checked out.

“Which sucked for you. You can say it. I bet if I called your family they would all say it. Only you seem unable to admit it.”

“You’re not getting this.”

She reached out and took his hand. Slipped her fingers through his and held on. “It’s okay to be angry with him. You stayed behind and did what you had to do. You followed the rules and didn’t seek revenge. You went to work and did the mundane crappy stuff to keep the family on its feet.”

“All of that’s true. To an extent.” It would have been nice to let go, but that’s how families worked. You helped each other out. One member experienced a problem and the others rushed in. “It was a joint effort.”

She shook her head. “You pushed yourself. Buried your brain in work. Refused to grieve.”

Alexis’s face flashed in his mind and he blanked it out again. He couldn’t let memories in on top of this conversation. Struggling to keep up with every comment she threw at him took all of his energy.

“I miss her every single day.” It was the easiest way to express it but the words weren’t big enough. They didn’t convey the depth of the heartbreak.

“We’re saying two different things.” She squeezed his hand and then dropped it.