Gemma snorts. ‘Course not. When he was going out with Joanne? He gave her a special secret phone, just for texting him. You know Alison’s new phone? The pink one? That was it – Joanne made Alison buy it off her, after they broke up. I can’t even remember what his excuse was, but basically if you ask me he was scared her parents or the nuns or one of us would go through her actual phone and find out. He told her to keep it hidden.’

When of course the first thing Joanne had done with that phone was show it to all her friends. Not just a fifth-rate wankstain; a thick-as-pig-shit fifth-rate wankstain.

Gemma says, ‘So I bet Selena’s got a special super-secret phone stashed away somewhere.’

‘Jesus,’ Julia says. ‘How much pocket money does he get?’

‘As much as he wants. I heard’ – a smile slides across the corner of Gemma’s mouth; she isn’t telling where she heard it – ‘he’s got a separate phone too, just for girls he’s with. You know what the other guys call it? Chris’s pussyphone.’

That kind of shit right there is why they made the vow in the first place. Julia wants to get a table-tennis racket and smack some sense into Selena’s head. ‘Classy.’

Gemma says, ‘He’s good. You need to get this fixed before Selena has time to be seriously in love with him.’

‘If she was going out with him,’ Julia says, after a moment, ‘then yeah. It sounds like I would.’

They sit there in a silence that feels strangely companionable. The bus bumps over potholes.

‘I don’t know Chris,’ Julia says. ‘I’ve never even really talked to him. If you wanted to get him to dump someone fast, how would you do it?’

‘Good luck with that. Chris . . .’ Gemma mimes it, one hand coming down edge-first to point straight ahead: single-minded. ‘He knows what he wants, and he goes for it. Forget him. Work on Selena, get her to dump him. Not the other way around.’

‘Selena’s not with him. Remember? I’m just asking if. For the laugh. If working on the girl was out, how would you work on Chris?’

Gemma pulls pink lip gloss and a mirror out of her weekend bag and puts it on, taking her time, like it helps her think. She says, ‘Joanne told me to tell him Selena’s got gonorrhoea. Which would probably do it.’

Julia changes her mind: bright spot or no bright spot, she wishes Joanne and Chris had stayed together. They’re perfect for each other.

She says, ‘Do it and I’ll tell Holly’s dad you buy speed off the groundskeeper to lose weight.’

‘Whatever.’ Gemma rubs her lips together and examines them in the mirror. ‘You seriously figure Selena’s not shagging him?’

‘Yeah. And she’s not going to.’