Emily stood, utterly petrified, in their midst, crying hysterically. They were crawling over her hair and one was on her cheek. He flapped one away from his face, took a step forward and heard a crunch underfoot. He batted another away from his face, then another, turned back and slammed the door shut to stop them going into the house.

‘Help me, for God’s sake, Jason, help me!’ she screamed.

The creatures were everywhere he looked. On the walls. The floor. The ceiling. In the air.

He lunged towards her, his shoes crunch, crunch, crunching on the moving carpet. Two landed on her face and she smote them away.

‘Help me!’

One struck his right cheek and he slapped it hard. Another flew into his left eye.

‘Get the fuck off!’

He grabbed her hand and physically pulled her across the floor, crunching on dozens of the vile creatures. He opened the door and pushed her through, followed and slammed the door behind them. Even so, several of them had entered the house, some scuttling along the floor, others flying clumsily around.

Emily was sobbing.

‘Em, what the hell’s happened?’

There was one crawling through her hair. He flicked it away with his fingers.

‘Oh God,’ she said, shaking, close to collapse. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God.’

‘Where did they come from?’ he asked, gently.

‘Oh God, oh God, oh God,’ she said again.

‘Em,’ he raised his voice. ‘WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?’

Her reply came out in a high-pitched squeak. ‘The bloody freezer. The bargain prawns, I told you, Louise found this incredible deal.’

A cockroach landed on his chest. He brushed it off.

‘This can’t be happening,’ she said. ‘Tell me it’s not happening.’

‘Where did she get this incredible deal from? We’ll get rid of them.’

‘Oh God, oh God, oh God.’

‘Calm down, calm down, Em, we’ll get rid of them.’

‘I’ve got to make eighty prawn cocktails and a main course and deliver it all by six o’clock tomorrow. Don’t tell me to calm down!’

‘Being hysterical won’t help. We’ll deal with it, we’ll sort it out.’

‘Louise is in bed with flu and I’ve got a kitchen full of roaches. This is my worst nightmare.’

‘We’re going to deal with it. Where did these come from? Just what scumbag fraudster sold you seven hundred cockroaches?’

‘It was Louise; I told you she had an incredible bargain on them from the wholesaler.’

‘Your normal wholesaler?’

‘No, a different one.’

‘Now you know why they were so cheap; you’ve been conned.’

‘You think we bought cockroaches?’

‘Obviously you did.’

‘No way. They were prawns,’ she said adamantly. ‘Do you think I can’t tell the difference between a prawn and a cockroach? It was prawns that went into the freezer, frozen prawns.’

‘And someone performed a conjuring trick and turned them into roaches? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘Do you have a better explanation, Jason?’

‘Yes – frozen in bags packed in ice, couldn’t they look similar? How carefully did you check?’