Suddenly, I understand the closeness between my mother and Amina, and the way their friendship has evolved over the years. In a span of a few decades, both women lost sons. My mother in a hospital in Berlin and Amina at a fraternity house in Atlanta. And I realize that all my life I’ve been searching for this lost brother, only to lose him twice now, first in Craig and then in Teddy. I couldn’t save Craig. Even in my dreams, I always show up just before it happens, my hand outstretched as he falls. But Teddy needed me to be a good partner, and I failed him.

I leave my mother’s office with less clarity than when I entered it. On a hallway chair I see two familiar faces, near twins but never brothers: Colin and Jay. For once, they are side by side and beam up at me from the student newspaper. The headline is simple: HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER ARRESTED.

I find my way to the staircase to nowhere, press myself into the top step under the strange painting like I used to as a child, and skim the front page. There’s a statement from the university president expressing the university’s loss, offering Jay’s family his personal condolences, and reminding students of the counseling services available at the health center, the importance of crosswalk safety, and driving with caution around campus. The student writer did some digging. Found out that Kappa Phi Omicron members had been taken in for questioning. She even reached out to the fraternity headquarters, which issued a statement not unlike the president’s.

The words are so empty, I have to read them twice to derive any meaning: “Jay Kemp’s death has saddened the entire Kappa Phi Omicron community. We mourn the loss of this Honorable Gentleman deeply, and the future has lost a great leader. His death is the result of the actions taken by a troubled young man who is not affiliated with Kappa Phi Omicron.” When pressed about the hazing accusations, the fraternity issued another rote statement: “Kappa Phi Omicron promotes brotherhood and respect for humanity, two tenets that stand in stark contrast to any allegations of hazing.”