I take this in, processing the facts, but not what they mean. I can’t; it’s too monumental. “Is this why you didn’t communicate with me all summer? Because you were afraid to have this conversation? Afraid to confront the secret you’d been keeping from me all this time?” I whisper, my voice nearly void of emotion. “Or did you try to reach me, and Gravelle stopped you?”

The air between us is thick with anticipation. I can feel it, a living, breathing thing.

When Levi finally answers, his voice is strained. “I wanted to spare you. I wanted you to have this year with Ollie. The way you should have all along.”

“But that’s not your decision!” I erupt. “You lied to me. For the entire time we’ve known each other.” I’m shaking, and the reality of what he’s done is finally settling in my bones. “Just like my father did. I bet he did it to ‘protect’ me too!” I wheel on him, and I can’t remember a time when I felt so red hot, like I might explode. I feel betrayed, by the one person I trusted the most.

“I knew you’d be angry,” Levi says. “I’ll understand if you… If you and Ollie…” He shrugs, not finishing the sentence, but I know what he means. If you and Ollie want to be together.

“You’re the only person who knows,” I say, resignation flooding over me. “The person I chose to tell. I confided in you. Not Ollie. He can’t know.”

Levi nods. “Of course—”

But he doesn’t get to finish his thought, because I’m already gone. Gunning it back to campus, tripping through my tears, leaving Levi standing there alone on the desolate shore.

The Case for Clones

I have never felt more relieved to have a mountain of college applications to finish. It’s December 1 already. I only have a month to narrow down my list of schools and complete my personal statements. I need to throw my energy into something productive. Something besides Levi.

He lied to me. He has lied to me, the whole time I’ve known him. I don’t know how, or if, I’ll ever trust him again.

I’ve submitted my Oxford application—it was due earlier than the rest, in October—and I’m still attracted to the idea of leaving the United States entirely and getting as far from California, and my dad, as I can. But I know, now, how naive I was to fantasize about Levi and myself being at Oxford together. He and I aren’t anything to each other, not anymore.