Ollie and I have reverted back to our pre-kiss rapport, which is a giant relief to me for the most part. Not only because I don’t know how I feel about what happened between us, but also because I’m afraid that any discussion about it would lead to one, or both, of us getting hurt. How can I possibly tell him that at least half of my heart belongs to Levi—even if Levi doesn’t want it? Ollie seems happier these days, and I don’t know if it’s his mother’s presence on campus, Levi’s safe return, or the fact we did what we did. I try to be grateful for his change in mood without reading too much into it. He’s alive, and he’s okay, I remind myself. That’s what matters. I know things are fine between us—for now, anyway—when he asks me to try out for the spring musical with him, and I give him a death stare. He laughs, assuring me that’s one bucket-list item he never expected me to agree to.

I’m avoiding Levi. Since our brief meeting in the stairwell, we’ve only spoken in group settings, with the Similars and Pru as a buffer.

One early November day at lunch, we end up right next to each other at the long, rough-hewn dining table.

“Hi,” I say quietly to him.

“Emma…”

“Yes?” I answer, heart in my throat.

“Can you pass the salt?” Levi asks, no expression on his face.

I hand the shaker to him, feeling like I’m dying inside. Is this how we’re going to be from now on? Destined to only speak in the most perfunctory way?

It’s Thanksgiving break, and Ollie and Jane get ready to leave for their college tour. Jane invites me, again, to accompany them, but I turn her down. Spending that much time alone with Ollie, even with his mom there, sounds like the worst idea possible. A small part of me longs to go with them and experience the kind of unconditional love that’s absent from my own splintered relationship with my father. But what if we finally talked about that kiss? With all that time together, it would inevitably come up. Or it might even happen again. I never would have thought that possible, but now, I can’t even trust myself to know what I want. I love Levi—that isn’t changing—but if he doesn’t want to be with me, is there some part of my heart that could open up for Ollie?

No. You’ll only end up hurting him, and yourself.

I can’t risk that. Because even I don’t understand my own fragile feelings. How Ollie suddenly seems like someone I could fall for…someone I could have loved…if we hadn’t been best friends since forever…if it weren’t for Levi.