Peppa walked in with Bella. Her blonde hair swung in a high ponytail. She was wearing jeans and a striped shirt. It was the first time I’d seen her in person. Although having learned so much about her from her online correspondence and internet history, I felt we were old friends. There was so much I could say to her. ‘That guy on Match.com with the nice blue eyes who “works in the Midlands half the week” is clearly married.’ ‘No, you’re not stupid, I didn’t understand the ending of Lost either.’ And, ‘Ignore that cow you were at school with; choosing not to have Botox and to still eat carbs is not a sign you’ve given up on life.’

‘Hello, Bella,’ shouted Gigi as she tore off back to the soft play, with Bella following.

‘Hi, Suzannah, I’m Alexis. Lovely to meet you.’

‘Call me Suze.’ She shook my hand.

Camilla arrived with Florence. ‘Hello, Alexis. Hello.’ She nodded at Suze just as her phone rang. She looked at the screen. ‘Sorry, I need to . . .’ She peeled off, motioning for Florence to go join Gigi and Bella, who were now jumping into the ball pit.

‘I’ll just check they’re OK,’ said Peppa, nodding towards the girls.

Naomi walked in with Kate’s twins. ‘Hi, Alexis. Kate sends her apologies. She’s having a bit of a family emergency. She might make it, she might not.’

‘Of course. Totally understand.’

Naomi busied herself undoing the twins’ coats and hats. It was nice that their bonding over Naomi’s bastard husband had clearly cemented their friendship. I watched Peppa standing by the ball pit. She wasn’t making any sign of looking at anyone other than her daughter, who was gingerly navigating a plastic beam.

I looked over at the man in the cap. He and Peppa had yet to acknowledge each other. A waitress arrived at his table with a heavily laden plate of fried breakfast. He took his sunglasses off, displaying bloodshot, bleary eyes.

Just then a wailing little girl in a tutu came running up to him.

‘Dadaaaaaaa, Algie hit me with a ball.’

The cap man winced.

‘Christ, Mia, do you have to cry so high-pitched?’ He handed her a piece of fried bread. ‘Now take this and be quiet. Daddy has a headache.’

He went back to cramming a ketchup-laden sausage in his mouth.

So much for enemy threat – he was simply a hungover dad.

I cursed myself for not factoring this into my analysis.

Who else here could Peppa be meeting with? I looked over at her again. Bella was now navigating her way down a slide. Peppa gave her a wave as she headed back to our table with not so much as a glance at any of the caffeine-inhaling adults around her.