“No,” she said, firmer than before. I saw a lone tear abruptly drip down onto her lap. “You’re living in a dream world, Alex. I can’t just freefall through life with you. And—and it was selfish of you to ask. You know how much I love you. You know I’ve been smitten with you since the very first word you ever spoke to me. But to ask me to—to tag along on this misadventure of yours—that isn’t fair.”

“Am I the disillusioned one of the two of us? You’re still waiting on a fairy tale, too. Waiting for—for validation you’re never going to get instead of living your own life for yourself.” I shook my head. Something akin to impatient agitation—at her, at myself, at the whole damn world, was bubbling in my chest and I felt the very strong urge to stomp out of the room. “Well, I can’t wait here for you to decide whether I’m worth it or not. I can’t let my life pass me by just waiting for you.”

It hung over us then—perhaps it was always hanging over us. I would be the one to leave but she would be the one to walk away, just as she had before.

What hurt more than anything, more than the thought of losing her again, was that I knew she meant it. I knew that this was not the life Connie was meant to live. I knew that Connie could not wipe away the obligations of her life even if the price of it was everything that mattered. And maybe she was right. Maybe she was simply destined to spend her whole life waiting on her parents’ approval and their love, just as I was hers.

I didn’t want Connie because I couldn’t stand to live without her. I knew I could live without her, even if I would never love anyone how I loved her. I didn’t want her because the pain of not having her was too much. I wanted her because I liked being in love with her. Loved it, even. And why wouldn’t I? As much as it may have hurt me, driven me mad, driven me crazy, that love was part of the very essence of who I was. It defined me. It gave me reason, and it gave me purpose. I wanted to make her the happiest person in the world, and all because I loved her. I wanted to give her everything. It wasn’t a selfish desire to have her with me that drove me to ask her to give up her whole life to run away with me. It was a firm resolution that if she loved me as much as I loved her, it was the only thing in the world that could bring her the peace and the contentedness she deserved, and would never find elsewhere.

For a moment I considered an outburst of childish wild tears, but some remnant of pride, of common sense, stiffened me. Connie’s stubborn mind was far more resilient than even my own. Nothing could bend her at all, once she made up her mind about something. Nothing at all—not love, nor hate, nor anger, could hold any sway over the girl I loved, and I wasn’t sure if that made me love her or resent her all the more. I knew that there was no appeal to emotion or reason which would turn her cool brain from its verdict once she decided she had enough. In all the time I had known her the only thing strong enough to shake her was the fear that someone might observe the truth she hid so well. Nothing else bore weight enough to neither persuade nor dissuade her. She was not persuaded, after all, but the persuader. Once she decided she wanted something—my friendship, my love, my whole entire life—nothing could deter her from her course. I envied her that. People don’t set enough store by resolute stubbornness.