I write: Because I’m a twenty-three-year-old celibate male who is horny as hell.

I think about it, then erase “horny as hell” and replace it with “in his sexual prime.” Mrs. Brenda Jane, the group leader, has rules about proper language for the meetings. Nobody in our group has cocks, pricks, or dicks. We have penises. Period.

For question six, I get to describe my emotional state before masturbation, during masturbation, and after masturbation. Most guys describe feeling angry or anxious. So much pressure out there and it builds and builds and builds until they have to do something about it. Some guys report crying afterward. Feeling guilty, ashamed, intensely alone, all for whacking their willy.

I don’t have anything like that to describe. I’m an auto mechanic and my masturbation these days has that same clinical feel. I’m not blowing off steam; I’m simply making sure all the parts remain in proper working order.

Question seven: What mutual sexual activity did you experience this week?

I have nothing to report.

Question eight: What age-appropriate relationships (nonsexual) have you had or attempted this week?

I have nothing to report.

Question nine: For all child contact, please list child’s name and age, child’s relationship to you, kind of contact, and name of chaperone present.

I have nothing to report.

And so it goes. Another weekly report, another support group meeting.

You know what we really do in these meetings? We rationalize. The father who slept with one daughter pretends he’s better than the priest who slept with fifteen altar boys. The guy who fondled pretends he’s better than the guy who penetrated. The predators who entice their victims with promises of candy, affection, or extra privileges argue they are better than the monsters who resort to violence, and the monsters who resort to violence argue they inflict less damage than the enticers who make their victims feel like they are an equal party to the crime. The state has lumped us all together, and like any organized group of people, we are desperate to differentiate.

You know why these meetings work? Because no one can spot a liar like another liar. And face it, in this room, we’re all pros.

We spend the first thirty minutes of the meeting running through the weekly status reports, then, for the first time in months, I finally have something to say.

“I think I’m going to be arrested.”

That halts conversation. Mrs. Brenda Jane clears her throat, adjusts her clipboard on her lap. “Aidan, it sounds like you have something to discuss.”