‘I knew it. Knew he wasn’t dangerous – not in that way.’

‘You think he’s dangerous in a different way?’

‘It was a relief when it seemed he was probably Billy. I could pretend that was why I was scared of him, but I knew deep down that wasn’t it. When he gave me the white book, he looked at me as if … as if he was really noticing me. I mean, me. As if I was someone who mattered. Liam and Gabe never did that. Both of them initially approached me in a … well, in a way that most people’d find offensive. That was what made me feel secure: I knew I’d never have to feel morally inferior to either of them.’

I walk over to the window. Standing several inches away, I can smell the dust on the pink curtains. ‘I felt more comfortable with Liam’s way, Gabe’s way. They both saw me as an object to be manipulated. That was how I felt happiest relating to them too: manipulating. It’s how I am with everyone. I’m a piece designed to be pushed around a board and so is everyone else. It makes life easier.’

‘And Niall Greeves?’

‘He looked at me as if I was a real person. As if he … thought highly of me. It was only for a few seconds, but it freaked me out. What scared me even more was …’ I stop.

Charlie gives me a ‘Don’t even think about it’ look.

‘I thought he was gorgeous,’ I admit. ‘He was. Is – objectively. Not sexy in a louche way like Gabe, not a strapping specimen like Liam, but stand-out gorgeous, like a film star or a model. And nice. He looked kind. I saw him coming towards me with something in his hand and I thought, “Great – he’s going to give me a note with his number on and some lovely message, and I won’t be able to resist ringing him.”’ I can see from Charlie’s face that she doesn’t get it.

‘He was too good for me by a long way,’ I explain. ‘I didn’t want to try to start something with him and fail, and I knew I was unlikely to be able to resist trying.’

‘So … you get involved with badly behaved less attractive men, while fearing really hot ones who seem like decent blokes?’

‘Yup. Exactly.’ I never want to see Niall Greeves again. Maybe it’s me I’m scared of, not him. The physical pull I felt when I looked at him; how little power I’d have in any exchange with him as a result of that.