And what did Nikhil Gulati and his girlfriend Natalie have to do with anything? Why bring another couple into the mix? There were three already where there should only have been two: Liv and her husband, Gibbs and his wife, Liv and Gibbs – and now these complete strangers.

Of course, to me they were all complete strangers. That’s why I was happy to spend time thinking about them.

Friday, 16 January 2015

‘No way.’ Charlie sounds disappointed. She was hoping to like my theory better. ‘The opposites thing’s a great idea in principle, but there’s zero chance of Liv and Gibbs ever moving in together. He would, she wouldn’t. She doesn’t believe they could be happy after destroying two marriages.’

‘Most marriages exist in a state of semi-permanent destruction anyway,’ I say. ‘Put them out of their misery: it’s the kindest way. I did it to mine. Sorry – I don’t normally say that to married people.’

Charlie smiles. ‘If only you’d stuck to your policy. Now I’ve heard your opinion, I’m going to have to get divorced. You’re that influential.’

I laugh. We’ve had a can of Fruit Rush and a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch each, so we’re in a good mood. Today so far we’ve ruled out Bristol and Bath, and we’re about to arrive in Yeovil. All I remember about my gig here was that when I stepped outside afterwards, there was nobody in the town centre: no human beings in evidence, no cars, no sounds to be heard. I’d had nearly a thousand people at my show – where had they all gone while I was checking my messages and getting showered and changed? I couldn’t believe any town could be so still and silent at half past ten at night.

Was Liam with me when I had those thoughts? Had I, a few minutes earlier, been handed a little white book with a line of poetry in it, and was I on my way to spend the night in a too-narrow bed? I don’t remember. I’m about to revisit the venue where I did my gig, after which I’ll be able to declare that it’s the one or cross it off the list.

My clothes are going to reek of smoke tonight. Like all nicotine addicts, Charlie imagines exhaling in the direction of an open window actually works. Sometimes she holds the cigarette out of the window, and chooses not to notice the wind blowing the smoke back in.