Milo stared into the flat, black eyes. Hating Broussard and admiring him. Oh great guru of self-deception, teach me to live as you do . . .

He said, “Fuck your promotion. I’ll drop everything, but I don’t want anything from you.”

“How noble,” said Broussard. “As if you had a choice.”

He turned and walked away.

Milo remained by the grave, let his eyes wander over Janie’s stone. Goddamn teddy bear.

Knowing there was nothing he could do, if he wanted to stay in the department, he’d take the offer and why the hell not, because anyone who mattered was dead and he was tired, so tired, and what was the alternative?

Making a choice. Not sure of what it would do to him—to his soul.

Someone else might have convinced himself that was courage.

Someone else wouldn’t feel this way.

CHAPTER

49

Bert Harrison’s call came at 9 A.M. I’d been sleeping and tried to push the fatigue out of my voice, but Bert knew he’d woken
me up.

“Sorry, Alex. I’ll call back—”

“No,” I said. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine,” he said. “Aimee is . . . she’ll eventually come to grips with the loss. We’d begun dealing with it, because Bill didn’t have long, and I was trying to prepare her. Despite that, of course, the shock was traumatic. For her sake, I’m emphasizing the quickness of it. His feeling no pain.”

“I can back you up on that. It was instantaneous.”

“You saw it . . . you must be—”

“I’m fine, Bert.”

“Alex, I should’ve been honest with you all along. You deserved better from me.”

“You had your obligations,” I said. “Patient-doctor confidentiality—”

“No, I—”

“It’s all right, Bert.”

He laughed. “Listen to us, Alex. Alphonse, Gaston, Alphonse Gaston . . . you’re really okay, son?”

“I really am.”

“Because you bore the brunt of it as I stood by like a—”

“It’s over,” I said, firmly.

“Yes,” he said. Several seconds passed. “I need to tell you this, Alex: You’re such a good young man. I find myself calling you ‘son’ from time to time, because if I’d . . . oh this is silly, I just called to see how you were getting on and to let you know we’re coping. The human spirit and all that.”

“Indomitable,” I said.

“What’s the alternative?”

Milo had come by last night, and we’d talked through sunrise. I’d been thinking a lot about alternatives. “Thanks for calling, Bert. Let’s get together. When things settle down.”

“Yes. Absolutely. We must.”

He sounded old and weak and I wanted to help him, and I said, “Soon you’ll be getting back to your instruments.”