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Chapters (49)
  1. About the Book
  2. About the Author
  3. Title Page
  4. Dedication
  5. Epigraph
  6. Prologue
  7. October: #Killallpigs
  8. Chapter 1
  9. Chapter 2
  10. Chapter 3
  11. Chapter 4
  12. Chapter 5
  13. Chapter 6
  14. Chapter 7
  15. Chapter 8
  16. Chapter 9
  17. Chapter 10
  18. Chapter 11
  19. Chapter 12
  20. Chapter 13
  21. November: DreAms of the deAd
  22. Chapter 14
  23. Chapter 15
  24. Chapter 16
  25. Chapter 17
  26. Chapter 18
  27. Chapter 19
  28. Chapter 20
  29. Chapter 21
  30. Chapter 22
  31. Chapter 23
  32. Chapter 24
  33. Chapter 25
  34. Chapter 26
  35. December: Lost contActs
  36. Chapter 27
  37. Chapter 28
  38. Chapter 29
  39. Chapter 30
  40. Chapter 31
  41. Chapter 32
  42. Chapter 33
  43. Chapter 34
  44. Chapter 35
  45. Chapter 36
  46. Chapter 37
  47. Chapter 38
  48. Author’s Note
  49. Copyright

‘The sheep that didn’t want to see Jesus. The story’s called The Grumpy Sheep. The part I play is the grumpy sheep. It’s in the Bible.’

‘Scout’s Nativity play,’ I said. ‘At Christmas. I’m not sure the grumpy sheep is in the Bible, angel.’

‘Daddy’s going to make my costume.’

Anne raised an eyebrow. ‘Good luck with that,’ she said.

It was time to go. There were promises to see Scout soon. Promises to come again. Promises to have her down, and put her up, and show her a good time. Talk of baby brother and unborn sister that meant nothing to Scout. Promises, promises. If they were kept then everything would be better. Not perfect. Not remade. But better.

And, despite everything that had happened, I knew that Anne loved Scout. But she hadn’t made space for her in the new life, with the new man, in the new place. And unless and until she did, Scout would be lost to her, and our beautiful daughter would carry those wounds with her for ever.

‘Oh,’ Anne said. ‘There was a young woman waiting for you downstairs.’

‘I get that a lot,’ I said.

‘I can believe it,’ Anne said, walking away from us and back to her new family, her new life. ‘They probably like your dog.’

‘Hello, Sick Note,’ Wren said. ‘I thought you were never going to let me in. What’s wrong with you now?’

‘Torn internal intercostal muscles,’ I said.

Wren shook her head. ‘You’re going to have to give me a clue.’

‘The intercostal muscles lift your ribcage when you inhale and exhale.’

‘Does it hurt?’

‘Only when I breathe.’

‘We missed you at Mallory’s funeral. It would have been good if you were there, Max. His wife, Margaret, she was asking after you.’

I hung my head and choked something down. ‘I can’t see her,’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t know what to say.’

‘You don’t have to say anything, stupid.’

Scout and Stan came out to meet her.

‘His hair is the same colour as mine!’ Wren told Scout.

All three of them were delighted. Stan began hopping around. Wren offered him the back of her hand to sniff before she started stroking him, and I could tell she was raised around dogs.

‘What’s your name?’ Scout asked.

‘Edie,’ Wren replied.

‘Look at this, Edie,’ Scout said. And then to Stan, ‘Play dead.’

Stan flopped down on his side, his head lifted from the ground, his eyes wide open and fixed on the Nature’s Menu chicken treats gripped in Scout’s little fist. He licked his lips. His head quivered with anticipation. In truth, he didn’t look very dead. He didn’t even look sleepy.

‘That . . . is . . . incredible,’ Wren said. ‘Never seen anything like it. The pair of you should be on TV. Whatever that show’s called. Well done.’