MRS. LEVI:

Impossible! I can’t imagine you without your purse.

VANDERGELDER:

It’s been stolen.

Searching overcoat.

Or I left it in the cab. What am I going to do? I’m new at the hotel; they don’t know me. I’ve never been here before. . . . Stop eating the chicken, I can’t pay for it!

MRS. LEVI:

Laughing gaily.

Horace, I’ll be able to find some money. Sit down and calm yourself.

VANDERGELDER:

Dolly Gallagher, I gave you twenty-five dollars this morning.

MRS. LEVI:

I haven’t a cent. I gave it to my lawyer. We can borrow it from Ambrose Kemper, upstairs.

VANDERGELDER:

I wouldn’t take it.

MRS. LEVI:

Cornelius Hackl will lend it to us.

VANDERGELDER:

He’s in Yonkers.—Waiter!

CORNELIUS comes forward dressed in Mrs. Molloy’s coat, thrown over his shoulder like a cape.

MRS. LEVI is enjoying herself immensely. VANDERGELDER again goes to back wall to examine the pockets of his overcoat.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Cornelius, is that Mr. Vandergelder’s purse?

CORNELIUS:

I didn’t know it myself. I thought it was money just wandering around loose that didn’t belong to anybody.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Goodness! That’s what politicians think!

VANDERGELDER:

Waiter!

A band off left starts playing a polka. BARNABY comes forward dressed in Minnie’s hat, coat and veil.

MINNIE:

Irene, doesn’t Barnaby make a lovely girl? He just ought to stay that way.

MRS. LEVI and VANDERGELDER move their table upstage while searching for the purse.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Why should we have our evening spoiled? Cornelius, I can teach you to dance in a few minutes. Oh, he won’t recognize you.

MINNIE:

Barnaby, it’s the easiest thing in the world.

They move their table up against the back wall.

MRS. LEVI:

Horace, you danced with me at your wedding and you danced with me at mine. Do you remember?

VANDERGELDER:

No. Yes.

MRS. LEVI:

Horace, you were a good dancer then. Don’t confess to me that you’re too old to dance.

VANDERGELDER:

Not too old. I just don’t want to dance.

MRS. LEVI:

Listen to that music. Horace, do you remember the dances in the firehouse at Yonkers on Saturday nights? You gave me a fan. Come, come on!

VANDERGELDER and MRS. LEVI start to dance. CORNELIUS, dancing with MRS. MOLLOY, bumps into Vandergelder, back to back. VANDERGELDER, turning, fails at first to recognize him, then does and roars:

VANDERGELDER:

You’re discharged! Not a word! You’re fired! Where’s that idiot, Barnaby Tucker? He’s fired, too.

The four young people, laughing, start rushing out the door to the street. VANDERGELDER, pointing at Mrs. Molloy, shouts:

You’re discharged!

MOLLOY:

Pointing at him.

You’re discharged!

Exit.

VANDERGELDER:

You’re discharged!

Enter from left, AMBROSE and ERMENGARDE. To Ermengarde.

I’ll lock you up for the rest of your life, young lady.

ERMENGARDE:

Uncle!

She faints in AMBROSE’S arms.

VANDERGELDER:

To Ambrose.

I’ll have you arrested. Get out of my sight. I never want to see you again.

AMBROSE:

Carrying ERMENGARDE across to exit right.

You can’t do anything to me, Mr. Vandergelder.

Exit AMBROSE and ERMENGARDE.