VANDERGELDER:

Rising, bellowing.

I don’t want to be charming.

MRS. LEVI:

But you are. Look at you now. You can’t hide it.

VANDERGELDER:

Sits.

Listening at keyholes! Dolly, you have no right to say such things to me.

MRS. LEVI:

At your age you ought to enjoy hearing the honest truth.

VANDERGELDER:

My age! My age! You’re always talking about my age.

MRS. LEVI:

I don’t know what your age is, but I do know that up at Yonkers with bad food and bad temper you’ll double it in six months. Let’s talk of something else; but before we leave the subject there’s one more thing I am going to say.

VANDERGELDER:

Don’t!

MRS. LEVI:

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I’d be tempted to marry you out of sheer pity; and if the confusion in your house gets any worse I may have to.

VANDERGELDER:

I haven’t asked you to marry me.

MRS. LEVI:

Well, please don’t.

VANDERGELDER:

And my house is not in confusion.

MRS. LEVI:

What? With your niece upstairs in the restaurant right now?

VANDERGELDER:

I’ve fixed that better than you know.

MRS. LEVI:

And your clerks skipping around New York behind your back?

VANDERGELDER:

They’re in Yonkers where they always are.

MRS. LEVI:

Nonsense!

VANDERGELDER:

What do you mean, nonsense?

MRS. LEVI:

Cornelius Hackl’s the other side of that screen this very minute.

VANDERGELDER:

It ain’t the same man!

MRS. LEVI:

All right. Go on. Push it, knock it down. Go and see.

VANDERGELDER:

Goes to screen, pauses in doubt, then returns to his chair again.

I don’t believe it.

MRS. LEVI:

All right. All right. Eat your chicken. Of course, Horace, if your affairs went from bad to worse and you became actually miserable, I might feel that it was my duty to come up to Yonkers and be of some assistance to you. After all, I was your wife’s oldest friend.

VANDERGELDER:

I don’t know how you ever got any such notion. Now understand, once and for all, I have no intention of marrying anybody. Now, I’m tired and I don’t want to talk.

CORNELIUS crosses to extreme left, MRS. MOLLOY following him.

MRS. LEVI:

I won’t say another word, either.

CORNELIUS:

Irene, I think we’d better go. You take this money and pay the bill. Oh, don’t worry, it’s not mine.

MRS. MOLLOY:

No, no, I’ll tell you what we’ll do. You boys put on our coats and veils, and if he comes stamping over here, he’ll think you’re girls.

CORNELIUS:

What! Those things!

MRS. MOLLOY:

Yes. Come on.

She and MINNIE take the clothes from the stand.

VANDERGELDER:

Rises.

I’ve got a headache. I’ve had a bad day. I’m going to Flora Van Huysen’s, and then I’m going back to my hotel.

Reaches for his purse.

So, here’s the money to pay for the dinner.

Searching another pocket.

Here’s the money to pay for the . . .

Going through all his pockets.

Here’s the money . . . I’ve lost my purse!!