BARNABY:

Cornelius! You’re never going to kiss Mrs. Molloy!

CORNELIUS:

Maybe.

BARNABY:

But she’ll scream.

CORNELIUS:

Barnaby, you don’t know anything at all. You might as well know right now that everybody except us goes through life kissing right and left all the time.

BARNABY:

Pauses for reflection: humbly:

Well, thanks for telling me, Cornelius. I often wondered.

Enter MRS. LEVI from workroom.

MRS. LEVI:

Just a minute, Irene. I must find my handkerchief.

CORNELIUS, caught by the arrival of Mrs. Levi, drops to his hands and knees, and starts very slowly to crawl back to the wardrobe, as though the slowness rendered him invisible. MRS. LEVI, leaning over the counter, watches him. From the cupboard he puts his head out of it and looks pleadingly at her.

Why, Mr. Hackl, I thought you were up in Yonkers.

CORNELIUS:

I almost always am, Mrs. Levi. Oh, Mrs. Levi, don’t tell Mr. Vandergelder! I’ll explain everything later.

BARNABY:

Puts head out.

We’re terribly innocent, Mrs. Levi.

MRS. LEVI:

Why, who’s that?

BARNABY:

Barnaby Tucker—just paying a call.

MRS. LEVI:

Looking under counter and even shaking out her skirts.

Well, who else is here?

CORNELIUS:

Just the two of us, Mrs. Levi, that’s all.

MRS. LEVI:

Old friends of Mrs. Molloy’s, is that it?

CORNELIUS:

We never knew her before a few minutes ago, but we like her a lot—don’t we, Barnaby? In fact, I think she’s . . . I think she’s the finest person in the world. I’m ready to tell that to anybody.

MRS. LEVI:

And does she think you’re the finest person in the world?

CORNELIUS:

Oh, no. I don’t suppose she even notices that I’m alive.

MRS. LEVI:

Well, I think she must notice that you’re alive in that cupboard, Mr. Hackl. Well, if I were you, I’d get back into it right away. Somebody could be coming in any minute.

CORNELIUS disappears. She sits unconcernedly in chair right. Enter MRS. MOLLOY.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Leaving door open and looking about in concealed alarm.

Can I help you, Dolly?

MRS. LEVI:

No, no, no. I was just blowing my nose.

Enter VANDERGELDER from workroom.

VANDERGELDER:

Mrs. Molloy, I’ve got some advice to give you about your business.

MRS. MOLLOY comes to the center of the room and puts Barnaby’s hat on floor in window, then Cornelius’ hat on the counter.

MRS. LEVI:

Oh, advice from Mr. Vandergelder! The whole city should hear this.

VANDERGELDER:

Standing in the workroom door, pompously:

In the first place, the aim of business is to make profit.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Is that so?

MRS. LEVI:

I never heard it put so clearly before. Did you hear it?

VANDERGELDER:

Crossing the room to the left.

You pay those girls of yours too much. You pay them as much as men. Girls like that enjoy their work. Wages, Mrs. Molloy, are paid to make people do work they don’t want to do.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Vandergelder thinks so ably. And that’s exactly the way his business is run up in Yonkers.