VANDERGELDER:

Fifty dollars!!

MRS. LEVI:

Two whole months I’ve been . . .

VANDERGELDER:

Fifty dollars, Mrs. Levi . . . is no joke.

Producing purse.

I don’t know where money’s gone to these days. It’s in hiding. . . . There’s twenty . . . well, there’s twenty-five. I can’t spare no more, not now I can’t.

MRS. LEVI:

Well, this will help—will help somewhat. Now let me tell you what we’ll do. I’ll bring Ernestina to that restaurant on the Battery. You know it: the Harmonia Gardens. It’s good, but it’s not flashy. Now, Mr. Vandergelder, I think it’d be nice if just this once you’d order a real nice dinner. I guess you can afford it.

VANDERGELDER:

Well, just this once.

MRS. LEVI:

A chicken wouldn’t hurt.

VANDERGELDER:

Chicken!!—Well, just this once.

MRS. LEVI:

And a little wine.

VANDERGELDER:

Wine? Well, just this once.

MRS. LEVI:

Now about Mrs. Molloy—what do you think? Shall we call that subject closed?

VANDERGELDER:

No, not at all, Mrs. Levi, I want to have dinner with Miss . . . with Miss . . .

MRS. LEVI:

Simple.

VANDERGELDER:

With Miss Simple; but first I want to make another call on Mrs. Molloy.

MRS. LEVI:

Dear, dear, dear! And Miss Simple? What races you make me run! Very well; I’ll meet you on one of those benches in front of Mrs. Molloy’s hat store at four thirty, as usual.

Trap door rises, and CORNELIUS’ head appears.

CORNELIUS:

The buggy’s here, ready for the parade, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

Call Barnaby. I want to talk to both of you.

CORNELIUS:

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

Exit CORNELIUS down trap door. Leaves trap open.

MRS. LEVI:

Now do put your thoughts in order, Mr. Vandergelder. I can’t keep upsetting and disturbing the finest women in New York City unless you mean business.

VANDERGELDER:

Oh, I mean business all right!

MRS. LEVI:

I hope so. Because, you know, you’re playing a very dangerous game.

VANDERGELDER:

Dangerous?—Dangerous, Mrs. Levi?

MRS. LEVI:

Of course, it’s dangerous—and there’s a name for it! You’re tampering with these women’s affections, aren’t you? And the only way you can save yourself now is to be married to someone by the end of next week. So think that over!

Exit center back.

Enter CORNELIUS and BARNABY, by the trap door.

VANDERGELDER:

This morning I’m joining my lodge parade, and this afternoon I’m going to New York. When I come back, there are going to be some changes in the house here. I’ll tell you what the change is, but I don’t want you discussing it amongst yourselves: you’re going to have a mistress.

BARNABY:

Seventeen; round-faced, wide-eyed innocence; wearing a green apron.

I’m too young, Mr. Vandergelder!!

VANDERGELDER:

Not yours! Death and damnation! Not yours, idiot—mine!

Then, realizing:

Hey! Hold your tongue until you’re spoken to! I’m thinking of getting married.

CORNELIUS:

Crosses, hand outstretched.

Many congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder, and my compliments to the lady.

VANDERGELDER:

That’s none of your business. Now go back to the store.