“Not at all.”

“Great, thanks!” He placed the phone to his ear. “Salaam, Ammi! No, I’m at the speed date now. Yes, in fact I’m sitting with someone now.” He looked across the table and smiled. “No, no, she’s very nice. Yes, she’s very pretty, masha’Allah,” he said, blushing. “Yes, I think you would like her . . . I don’t know, I was just about to ask her before you . . . Okay . . . Okay. Okay.” He covered the phone with his hand and turned to me. “She wants to talk to you.” He held out the phone. “Would you mind saying ‘Salaam’ to her?”

“. . . ”

BUZZ!

Speed Date #6

“So is this not going as well as you thought?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, it doesn’t really look like you’re having a lot of fun.”

“No, I am.”

“I don’t believe you!” Suitor #6 persisted.

“I’m having a great time. Really,” I stated firmly.

“Let me see you smile then!”

“Excuse me?”

“Smile! It’s the only way I’ll believe that you’re having any fun!”

“Or you can just believe me because I said so?” I said, trying to mask my irritation.

“I don’t think I can do that, little lady.”

I cringed. “And why’s that?”

“Because of your face.” I scrunched my brows together. “Yeah, your face. It just doesn’t look like it’s having much fun.” Did this guy just tell me I didn’t have a fun face? How am I supposed to make my face look fun? Plaster confetti all over it?

I pressed my lips together and forced a small smile.

“There it is!” He slammed his palm against the table. “Now let’s have some fun!” He winked, grinning broadly.

BUZZ!

Speed Date #7

Suitor #7 sat down and barely said three words. Instead, he just stared at my breasts. I pulled the flaps of my jacket closer and tried to attempt a conversation.

“So, is this your first time dating . . . I mean, speed dating?”

“Hurrhhhh,” he muttered unintelligibly.

I took a sip of my water, unsure what to do. I looked over at Tania, expecting her to give me a sign that this was going as disastrously for her as it was for me. But instead, she was deeply immersed in a conversation with a well-dressed, bearded man. He was leaning in toward her, and they were laughing as if they had just shared an intimate joke. Tania was shyly touching her face, and the man was gazing directly into her eyes. I sighed, looking back at my date, who had now focused his entire attention on my left boob. I glanced at my watch, waiting intently for the buzzer.

BUZZ!

Speed Date #8

I watched as the bearded man said goodbye to Tania and made his way over to my side of the table. “Hi,” I said.

“Hi,” he replied as he glanced over at Tania once more, watching her as she introduced herself to the next suitor.