“Yep,” she says. “That’s enough for the ol’ spank bank.”

We really do need to set boundaries.

I’M NOT worried.

I’m not.

I mean, so what if Anna and Creed had marital troubles that none of us knew about.

They’re fine now.

Many couples go to counseling.

They’re fine.

Otter and I are fine.

“How was your day?”

He grunts at me.

“Really?” I say. “That sounds lovely. Tell me more.”

He grunts again.

“Great. What else did you and Creed do?”

“Bear?”

“Yes, Otter.”

“It’s two o’clock in the morning.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, Bear.”

“Oh. Well. Go to sleep.”

He does exactly that.

Our marriage is doomed.

AND SINCE I’m not willing to let him go without a fight, I’m sitting in the dark in the kitchen, the bright screen of my laptop hurting my eyes as I scour the internet for ways to put the spark back into my marriage.

I’ve found myself on some ridiculous website that apparently offers advice that I can’t tell if is real or if is satire. It’s hurting my brain, but I can’t look away. It has thousands of self-help topics from HOW TO BE NORMAL and HOW TO EXFOLIATE YOUR LIPS and HOW TO TREAT BOTULISM IN DUCKS. I almost get distracted by that last—because how do you treat botulism in ducks?—but I’m on a mission.

I click on the search bar and type in: HOW TO REKINDLE YOUR ROMANCE.

YOU’VE BEEN married for a long time. You wake up with your significant other, you go about your lives, and then come home to each other. You stare at each other from across the dinner table, conversation stifled and awkward, and you notice things that maybe you hadn’t noticed before, like the way your SO slurps their soup obnoxiously or chews with their mouth open. You begin to resent them, and soon it spirals down into a murder-for-hire plot that explodes out of control and ends with either one or both of you dead on a pier in the pouring rain.

But what if there was a way to avoid that?

What if there was a way to bring back the spark that drew you together before it ends in a murder/suicide?

By following these easy steps, you and your SO will be more in love than you ever were before, and you will be able to avoid becoming a killer!

Have a three-way! Look, most people believe that the lovemaking is the first thing to go when a marriage is choking itself to death. By bringing in a third party, it could bring a different form of excitement to a relationship. Fellas, don’t you want to see your lady love with another woman? Ladies, don’t you want to see your fella getting plowed with his face in the mattress? Whether it be a onetime thing or if it evolves into a polyamorous relationship, one out of sixty-four marriage counselors agree that bringing in another party to the bedroom is the perfect way to solve those doldrums.