Jack had felt uncomfortable that evening. He’d worn a rented suit, which had added to the sense that he wasn’t himself but, in fact, a different man altogether. Still, Ellen said he looked ‘dashing’. The second picture was one of him holding a tankard of beer up beside his head, to show how large it was. Jack thought he had a goofy face in this image, but Alexa said it was ‘sweet’. The third picture was him with his friend Patrick. ‘But you look better than him, so it’s OK,’ Ellen said. Jack couldn’t help feeling a little pleased, but also guilty. He liked Patrick.

Jack let Ellen and Alexa fill in all the answers to the silly questions, watching as they built a version of him to share with the world. They were down at one end of the kitchen table, heads together, with Jack’s phone. He was at the other end of the table, palms a little sweaty. When they showed him the results, Jack didn’t really recognize himself.

What I’m looking for

The love of my life. Failing that, some solid 7/10 dates.

Dating me is like

Finding £20 in an old jacket.

Let’s debate this topic

Mayonnaise: what’s the point?

Typical Sunday

Hangover pizza.

A shower thought I had recently

Do crabs have toes?

‘But I don’t take showers,’ Jack said, literally. ‘I always take baths. And I don’t really understand the one about finding £20.’

‘It doesn’t matter that you don’t take showers,’ Alexa said, kindly, before handing his phone back to him. ‘You’re allowed a bit of creative licence.’

‘And the thing about the £20 is meant to be funny,’ Ellen said, firmly. ‘It’s great when you find £20 you didn’t remember was there. Dating you is like that feeling, all the time.’

‘Exactly. It’s perfect,’ Alexa said, as if the matter was closed.

‘OK,’ Jack said, though he wasn’t sure. He thought he sounded like someone he wouldn’t want to be friends with.

Still, that was that: he’d joined the world of online dating. Jack liked that it was easy: he’d open the app and there would be pretty girls on the screen. Jack said yes to everybody, because he felt mean saying no, though the girls Jack liked the look of best were the ones who looked like Annie.