TIM THOMPSON: [Holding a microphone] I’m standing here with Jack Barnes, who – along with his housemates and a special guest – has just been rescued from the attic of his home in New Cross! [Turns to Jack, grinning] So, how’re you feeling now, Jack?

JACK BARNES: [Casts a nervous look at the camera] Um, yeah – good, thank you.

TIM: [Turning back to camera] For those who haven’t followed this story – a quick recap! This morning, at around 8 a.m., Jack and his housemates found themselves trapped in the attic of their three-storey house on Rokeby Close in New Cross, after the door handle fell off. [Pause for effect] After a locksmith failed to appear, Jack decided to take matters into his own hands and start a Twitter thread about their misadventures that went viral. Finally, the good guys at Lewisham Fire Station saw the thread and came to rescue them from the attic!

[Tim turns to Jack, and positions the big microphone under his chin. Jack glances down at it, then at the camera, then at the floor.]

TIM: Jack, how did it feel to be rescued in such dramatic circumstances?

JACK: [Slightly more animated] Um, yeah … well … yeah, it feels pretty great to be out. It was really hot in the attic.

TIM: And how did it feel when your Twitter thread started going viral?

JACK: Well, it was a bit of a surprise really – I didn’t … [Trails off, with inaudible muttering]

TIM: But now, Jack, there’s a bit more to this story than just you and your housemates getting stuck in the attic, isn’t there? Can you tell us a bit more [knowing glance to camera] about what was in the Twitter thread that made it go viral?

JACK: Um, well, you see, I don’t know if I can really explain – it’s not really fair – I didn’t … [Trails off, with inaudible muttering]

TIM: [With the air of a slick professional who will not let the evident discomfort of his interviewee stop him from barrelling right on] Well, as it happened, it was a bit of a soap opera. I believe you should be able to see some of the tweets on your screen right now.

[Item cuts to screenshots of Jack’s tweets.]

TIM: So, as you can see, it sounds like it was quite the drama up there for a time! Jack, when you started sharing the intimate details of your housemates’ lives online, did you think that it would get so much attention?

[Jack looks off camera, as though he has spotted a predator approaching at speed.]

TIM: Quite the drama, eh, Jack? But what we really want to know is, have the housemates kissed and made up?

[Jack looks at the floor.]

JACK: Um, I can’t really say much about that, except that … [a pause as he looks up and straight into the camera] I’m sorry to Ellen if I made her embarrassed about anything. I didn’t –

TIM: [Interrupting] Oh dear, it certainly sounds – dramatic! And any words for the hero firemen who rescued you and your housemates and [grins to camera, crescendoing to a big moment] their date?

[Jack shakes his head. He is looking at his shoes again.]

TIM: Righto. I’m afraid that’s all we have time for, I think – but thanks for sharing your extraordinary story with us. Aakash, it’s back to you in the studio.