Dr. Zachary Wallace, the renowned American marine biologist and son of accused killer, Angus William Wallace of Drumnadrochit, shocked the High Court on Monday when he revealed scars left by teeth marks from a bite that nearly severed him in half seventeen years ago. Dr. Wallace, whose testimony has yet to be questioned by prosecutors, barely survived an encounter with a giant squid six months ago in the Sargasso Sea.

Dr. Wallace's testimony is sure to be challenged. The Courier has learned that the marine biologist was dismissed from his teaching position at Florida Atlantic University shortly after the Sargasso accident and has since been undergoing psychiatric treatment.

"What a load of crap! I never said I was bitten, and what's with the psychiatric bit? Yes, I saw a shrink, but that doesn't mean I'm nuts. I went one time and—"

"Whit dae ye expect? This is Nessie news. Since when dae facts count for anythin'?"

"You don't understand, True, this is exactly the kind of nonsense that'll destroy my reputation, at least whatever's left of it."

"Why? It wisnae yer fault ye got bitten."

"I wasn't bitten!"

"Sure, sure, but it's better if ye jist say ye cannae remember. Now start signin' the newspapers, I've customers waitin'."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Hey, business is business. Right now, ye're mair popular than Bonnie Prince Charlie. Strike while the iron's hot, that's what I say." He tossed me a felt-tip marker. "Sign them anywhere but across the headlines. We'll get ten pounds sterling fer each, maybe twelve."

"Unbelievable."

True removed a camera from his jacket pocket. "Now I'll be needin' ye tae drop yer pants. The Examiner offered me two hundred pounds for a clear close-up, but I ken I can get more."

"Forget it."

"Why? Ye mooned 'em for free yesterday."

"I said forget it! I'm sick of everyone exploiting this Nessie crap. And you… you're supposed to be my friend. You're as bad as your sister."

"Brandy… I'd almost forgot. I've a message frae her. Come closer so I don't wake Angus."

I leaned in like a dummy, thinking he was going to whisper it in my ear.

Wump! True's fist caught me flush in the breadbasket, dropping me to the concrete floor.

I sat up, fighting to catch my wind. "You big lummoxe, what the hell was that for?"

"That's for steppin' on my sister's heart. Did I no' warn ye Brandy's been havin' an awfy hard time? Last thing she needed wis mair rejection."

"I wasn't rejecting her."

"Ye led her on, then ran off is what I heard."

"Maybe he's no' man enough tae handle yer sister," Angus said, greeting the day with a burst of flatulence.

"Lovely."

"At least I fart like a man, Gertrude, whit's your excuse?"

"Ignore him," I said. "He's a dead man talking."