Valeria walked with me to the parking lot as I carried my things, past students and my colleagues, none of them the wiser about what was unfolding. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving home so I just drove around and around the neighbourhood aimlessly, until I headed out onto the highway and into the desert, past shuttered motels, the truck stop, all the way out to Harding, to pull my car over at the military base, where I listened in vain, before driving back home after sunset, the desert the colour of a bruise. I still think about the look on Paul’s face as I walked in the door, holding the contents of my desk in a banker’s box. I think about how I didn’t even have the strength left to talk to Ashley, as she walked in the door a half-hour later, still in her muddied soccer gear. How she ran upstairs and slammed the door to the bathroom, and stood under the hot shower for an hour, before going to bed, and how I didn’t cry until I was finally alone in the guest room. I still think about waking up in the morning and dreading the unending hours of daytime ahead, with no company but the hum; and then spending the whole day dreading the return of my own husband and daughter. I think about how Cass, and Nadia, and the book club didn’t so much as call or email. I think about what rumours must have begun circulating through the school halls; through the staff lounge; through the air in the form of a thousand text messages. I think of Ashley finding me on the couch one night, staring at my laptop. The air charged with her presence, her silence. I feel the weight of her sitting down beside me.

I messaged Kyle because I was fucking scared for you.

I know, I hear myself saying. I know, kiddo.

But, like, do you really have any clue how much this has completely fucked up my life? I’m the one who has to live with—Kaitlynn and Sarah aren’t even talking to me! People are posting all kinds of shit about me. The looks I get? When I walk into the girls’ bathroom? Like it’s all fine for you to hide away here on the couch, but I’m the one who has to go into school every day and face it all.